IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

When people move to another country ,some of them decide to follow the customs of the new country. Others prefer to keep their own customs. Compare these two choices . Which one do you prefer? Support your answer with specific details.

#people #move #country #customs #two #choices #support
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is noticeable that globalization makes the trend of immigration
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased, and moving to another
country
Use synonyms
 is less difficult to keep up in terms of lifestyle and culture.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that these
unneeded
Add a missing verb
are unneeded
show examples
 undertakings, others believe prefer to adapt to the new environment.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both these points of view.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, those who disagree that the people decide to keep their own customs. Since
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have their national identity, they strongly
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 preserving their citizenship. As an illustration, some countries have simplified the process of permanent residence for immigrants. In Peru, people become naturalized citizens by living in the nation for two years
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and paying about $25.000.
However
Linking Words
, some immigrants prefer to retain citizenship. It might be
also
Linking Words
 that, they have difficulty accepting the local attitude and behaviour,
due to
Linking Words
 some things are not
according to
Linking Words
 the norms that they believe in.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, focusing on one’s preferences, one of the best ways to respect the new
country
Use synonyms
 where we settle is
attendance
Wrong verb form
to attend
show examples
 the culture day.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
country
Use synonyms
 celebrates Thanksgiving. It has historical roots in religious and cultural traditions, the blessing of the harvest and of the preceding year.
Moreover
Linking Words
, following the new customs
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
newcomer
Fix the agreement mistake
newcomers
show examples
 avoids misunderstanding in communications, learn new things , and get familiar with the social culture. When
talk
Change the verb form
talking
show examples
 with an American, we should see directly into his eyes , and once visited a relative
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there, as a custom in their
country
Use synonyms
 bringing a small gift. In conclusion, in my point of view, it is understandable that following the new
Use synonyms
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 customs and traditions
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 foreigners to socialize , and faster adaptation inside the local population,
as well as
Linking Words
 preserve our national identity.
Submitted by mellindanur.octavia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks clear comprehensive ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay shows some coherence and cohesion, but there are issues with the logical structure and supporting main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: