IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that government should not give international aid since they have disadvantaged people like unemployed and homeless in their own country. To what extent do u you agree or disagree?

#people #government #aid #country
Society
 feels that the
state
 should not participate in international
aid
 since their own
country
 has merited
people
for instance
 unemployed and homeless
therefore
 it is imperative to consider our own
people
 as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will elaborate in my essay
Firstly
,the
state
 is mandated to take the responsibility of
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 own citizens to ensure they have basic needs through creating employment
however
,
currently
Add a comma
,currently
show examples
 the lack of unemployment and homeless
people
 is the most trending challenge in the
society
 where the
state
 has not factored in bringing any solution.
Inaddition
Correct your spelling
In addition
,
this
 has resulted in criminal activities in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
such
 that
people
 are being mugged in broad daylight.
Secondly
,it is indispensable for the
state
 to support the unemployed and homeless since it
also
prays
Correct your spelling
plays
show examples
 a role in building the economy
such
 that the
country
 revenue would increase.
For example
 in Rwanda,the
state
 has prioritised
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
creating jobs
such
 that the
country
 has the highest revenue collection.For
this
,
reason
Add an article
the reason
show examples
 the
state
 needs to create jobs for its own
people
 rather before participating in international
aid
However
,it is a prerequisite for the
country
 to join hands together with other countries in the international
aid
 for a good reputation.
Moreover
, it creates a good rapport for the purpose of businesses
such
 that good
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 create a good environment for export and import.
On the other hand
, every
country
 has different challenges whereby it cannot rely on its own
therefore
 by participating in
such
 aids create an environment to be supported when the need arises.For
this
reason
Add a comma
,reason
show examples
 as much as the
state
 needs to support the unemployed and homeless it cannot run away from international
aid
 as it has an impact. In conclusion,the
state
 economy can be improved by creating employment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
society
however
 as they participate in international
aid
 for a good reputation.
Submitted by Sabina Hamisi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: