IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children should not be given toys as they distract them in their studies, whereas others believe that toys always help them in their education. discuss both views and give your own opinion

Some people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 get distracted from their studies if they play with
toys
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others argue that
toys
Use synonyms
 play an essential part in helping
children
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their academics. I firmly believe that
toys
Use synonyms
 are necessary for
children
Use synonyms
 to enhance practical learning. Childhood is a phase of learning where a person's academic growth begins, and
toys
Use synonyms
 are highly advantageous at
this
Linking Words
 age.
Children
Use synonyms
 often learn better by using
toys
Use synonyms
 as compared to books.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 learn numbers more quickly with the help of numeric blocks.
Moreover
Linking Words
, games are those fun activities that help
children
Use synonyms
 grasp complex concepts of education
while
Linking Words
 playing.
Toys
Use synonyms
 help them master challenging topics and vocabulary without even
realizing
Use the right word
realising
show examples
 that they are learning.
Therefore
Linking Words
, schools these days are spending a part of their funds to provide
toys
Use synonyms
 to primary classes to enhance
children
Use synonyms
's learning process. To exemplify,
children
Use synonyms
 learn difficult names of various animals
while
Linking Words
 playing with animal
toys
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, the opponents argue that
toys
Use synonyms
 create a significant distraction in
children
Use synonyms
's studies.
Children
Use synonyms
 tend to spend more time playing with
toys
Use synonyms
 but less
on
Check wording
time on
show examples
 learning.
For instance
Linking Words
, a research study shows that, on average, a child spends five hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day in playful activities,
whereas
Linking Words
 only 2.5 hours in study.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it leads to poor academic performance.
To conclude
Linking Words
, in my opinion, if
children
Use synonyms
 are given
toys
Use synonyms
, they spend more time playing than studying.
However
Linking Words
, they can learn better
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
this
Linking Words
 playing period compared to the actual academic classes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and related details. This helps the reader follow your thoughts more easily.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and clearer.
task achievement
Try to balance your paragraphs better, with equal focus on both views. This will help you present a more complete response.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your beliefs and outlines the topic well.
task achievement
You have used examples to support your ideas, which is a positive aspect of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your opinion effectively, giving a nice ending to your essay.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: