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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, entertainers get paid more than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is this a negative or positive development?

These days, thanks to the development of the entertainment industry and digital technology,celebrities tend to have higher incomes than
politicians
Use synonyms
. As far as my opinion is concerned, I believe
this
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 situation should be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
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a positive trend because politics should not be a profitable business. In the upcoming paragraphs, I will provide a detailed explanation of my point of view. First of all, internet technologies and rapidly emerging social media channels make the entertainment industry a lucrative business.
Therefore
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, it is
expectable
Replace the word
expected
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 that salaries of workers in
this
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 field
also
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 witness a
boosting
Fix the agreement mistake
boost in
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 growth.
For example
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, some bloggers on
Youtube
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YouTube
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 can earn more than a blue-collar worker in the same country, making
this
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 sector highly tempting to join.
Secondly
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, famous artists and showmen can aim for bigger wages without public scrutiny,
whereas
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politicians
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 may neglect their primary duties to protect and increase public wealth if they pursue profitable goals.
Subsequently
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,
this
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 behaviour can lead to misconduct
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is not accepted in modern society. At the same time, the job of
politicians
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 is vital to the needs of society,
while
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 entertainment may not be necessary if the public faces an
economical
Correct word choice
economic
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 crisis
o
Correct your spelling
or
 other hardships.
That is
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 to say, an official of any government body should earn a decent level of income in order to perform their duties with dignity and diligence.
Otherwise
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, there is a high risk of corruption which can be seen in various developing countries across the globe; the political leaders on top positions profit by depriving the society of their legally obtained funds, and once those
politicians
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 accumulate enough money in their accounts they prefer to escape and leave their countries drawn in poverty.
To conclude
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, even though there is a belief that government officers should be entitled to a higher wage than actors or artists, I think that they are bound by their legal status to put the needs of the public above their own,
thus
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, the wealth of their nation should be always a priority for them.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences support that idea. This will help improve logical structure.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to illustrate your points clearly. This will enhance your task achievement score.
task achievement
You provided a clear opinion in your introduction and concluded the essay well, which is a strong point.
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