IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people say that the best way to imporve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others , however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #imporve #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
Health is important as the number of coronary related diseases have increased, implementing a strategy to help and encourage everyone to have some kind of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 is crucial . Increasing the number of sports
facilities
 can improve public health as
this
 will give them
Add an article
a
show examples
place to socialise and encourage each other
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while doing their exercise.
Also
, these
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 can
also
 be a place for young
people
 to play and unhook themselves from electronics. They can improve their physical , social and mental abilities while participating in various activities offered by the
facilities
.
However
, if those
facilities
 are paid entry , many
people
 may end up being reluctant to spend money.
In addition
, young
people
 are not really keen
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 paying for something they are not really into. There is
also
 the time factor, many parents are working and they may not have time to spare to
use
 those
facilities
. Some parents might want to
use
 it late at night , but the opening hours might stop them from doing so. Attracting everyone to
use
 the sports
facilities
 requires a strong health campaign to encourage everyone to
use
 it. And if
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 serve as motivation in one community, the facility might not be used at a full capacity and may end up closed.
Hence
, the idea has its advantage and disadvantage, but it all depends on its implementation.
Submitted by diamondrah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: