IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people spend a large amount of money on celebrating birthdays and weddings. Others think that it is unnecessary to spend so much on these events. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #amount #money #birthdays #weddings #events
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With
this
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 letter, I am going to express my motivation to pursue the
Health
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Informatics
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 master
program
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 on-campus stream at Victoria University in the fall of 2022. I graduated with a bachelor of medicine in 2014 and worked as a community
health
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program
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 manager at a district medical
center
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centre
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 in
Vietnam
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 for more than 3 years. In 2018, I was
honored
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honoured
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 to receive the Danish Government scholarship that covered my entire tuition fee and monthly stipends for my master
program
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 in public
health
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 at the University of Southern Denmark. The reason that encourages me to apply to
this
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program
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 stem from my strong interest in pursuing a career in the digital
health
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area
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 that has been fostered throughout my academic and working
experience
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. Working as a public
health
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 doctor in
Vietnam
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 for three years enables me to gain an in-depth understanding of the operation process as well as shortcomings in the management of our medical
system
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. The traditional paper-based
system
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 still plays a major role in most public medical facilities which potentially leads to time-consuming processes and intricacy to patient’s data exchange among hospitals.
Additionally
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, according to W.H.O,
Vietnam
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 is one of the countries with the fastest ageing pace and the level of
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a citizen
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citizen
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citizens
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 above 60 is projected to be 61% of the population in 2050. Correspondingly,
this
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 may lead to a rapid increase in demand for geriatric
care
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 services and facilities.
As a result
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, it has been foreseen that the application of digital
health
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 innovations will be a potential solution to amend communication among physicians and the quality of geriatric and chronic
care
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. During my
education
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, I was active to gain novel experiences in the eHealth
area
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 through volunteer works and school projects. I was admitted to a talent
program
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 and joined a science project with
an
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the
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 objective of identifying how
technology
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 can assist elderlies during the Covid-19 lockdown. In the project, we interviewed ten elderly participants and were inspired
from
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by
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 their amazing experiences of how technological devices helped them cope with loneliness during the pandemic. I was intrigued by how technological advancements could bring enormous benefits to the life of people. After graduation, I applied to work in a healthcare firm that develops a chest wearable device to help patients with chronic pulmonary diseases. As a medical advisor, I worked in a cross-functional team with members from different backgrounds and participated in various developmental phases. Through
this
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, I have learned useful and practical
experience
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 and was captivated by
this
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 fascinating, challenging and rewarding career. At the same time, I have
also
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 acknowledged the prominence of advanced
health
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informatics
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 knowledge and technical skills in
this
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area
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 which I find them missing from my previous academic background.
As a result
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, attending a professional academic
program
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 that specialized in
Health
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Informatics
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 with opportunities for practical internships will be an optimal choice that helps me progress in the field. I choose to
further
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 my
education
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 at Victoria University not only for the globally recognized academic standard but
also
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 for the innovative teaching style. The
Health
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Informatics
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program
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 will be an excellent course that delivers practical knowledge and
experience
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 within
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health
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the health
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technology
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 field. What I
impressed
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am impressed
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 the most about
this
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program
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 is the co-operative
education
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program
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 that allows students to interact effectively with the industry, gain in-depth work
experience
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 as well as form strong rapports with other professionals in
this
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area
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.
As a result
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, graduates will not be confused but fully prepared to join the competitive market after graduation. My goal after graduation is to start my own medical
technology
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 company that develops and implements digital
health
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 solutions to invigorate the quality of medical services and mitigate out-of-pocket expenses of patients in
Vietnam
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. It could be an application, software or a medical device that provides innovative models of
care
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 that enhances patient-doctor connectivity and allows physicians to keep track of patients’ history, records, prescriptions and lab reports at an affordable cost. I am
also
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 passionate about pursuing a career in medical institutions or universities to conduct digital
health
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 research in
Vietnamese
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the Vietnamese
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 market and provide eHealth
education
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 and training to young medical workers to improve their awareness and capability of using innovative
health
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technology
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 in daily diagnosis and treatment activities.
Additionally
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, ameliorating our traditional paper-based
health
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care
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system
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 to a computerized, universal and comprehensive
health
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 management information
system
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 at all levels for the better administration of patient records is
also
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 one of my concerns. With a solid background in
health
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technology
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 and technical skills that will be honed through
this
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program
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, I will be well equipped to embrace
with
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apply
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initial challenges when starting my company as well as research activities in
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health
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the health
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informatics
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area
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. With my intense passion, persistence and remarkable
experience
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 in
Vietnam
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 public
health
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 sector, I confidently believe I will create positive improvements in my hometown.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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