IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people think that government should take care of diet of all individuals of country , others think that people should themselves take care of diet and health, discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #government #care #diet #individuals #country #health
Many
people
 believe that the
government
 must monitor and control the diet of its citizens.
In contrast
,
on the contrary
, others opine that everyone should be responsible for his/her
health
. If the
government
 regulates
people
’s diet, it would be easier to form a proper plan and legislation to
support
 public healthcare.
On the other hand
, central diet monitoring would require a considerable sum of money and workforce which is almost impossible to facilitate. In my opinion, it is nearly impossible to take care of the diets of every
people
.
Instead
, the authorities can try to motivate and create awareness so that community of a country itself becomes conscious about its physical well-being. If the central authority tries to take responsibility for all its citizens regarding food and
health
, it would require an enormous budget and staffing allocation. We have the example of the countries like Mexico where the
government
 tried to implement
similar
Add an article
the similar
a similar
show examples
 idea and that
resulted
Add the preposition
inresulted
fromresulted
show examples
 huge spending of money,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
 the leaders had to cut down finances from other essential sectors like education and
infrustructure
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
 development.
Also
 keeping track of so many
people
 is
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 complex task to achieve, so achieving
this
 would require
establishment
Add an article
the establishment
show examples
 of new offices and
recruitment
Correct article usage
the recruitment
show examples
 of
sufficient
Change the article
a sufficient
the sufficient
show examples
 number of employees which is very challenging, even for the
development
Replace the word
developing
show examples
 countries. Here in Bangladesh the
government
 once tried to establish
community
Correct article usage
a community
show examples
 clinic in every union which is basically
smallest
Correct article usage
the smallest
show examples
 administrative unit of the country. The attempt was unsuccessful, as
eventually
Add a comma
,eventually
show examples
 it was not possible to allocate
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 money and
skilled
Correct article usage
a skilled
show examples
 workforce for operation. On the
otherhand
Correct your spelling
other hand
, when
people
 are aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 their own
health
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier to
support
 and manage for the
government
. Regulators would only need to form proper policies and create consciousness so that communities take the issue seriously and act
accordingly
.
For example
 in the USA individuals can sign up in various
health
 insurance companies based on their
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 and they can get
support
 financially whenever they need help.
Government
 is there to provide regulatory
support
, so
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 much more feasible to manage. In my opinion, I believe everyone should be responsible for their own
health
 and well being, while the
government
 will provide indirect policy
support
.
Submitted by pappucdl on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: