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Band 4

Some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #happiness #success #factors
It is believed that individual
happiness
 is connected to financial success, while others argue that
happiness
 depends on several factors. From my perspective, both economic success, quality age with family, and good energy conditions are equally important to determine
happiness
.
Firstly
 and for more, achieving financial stability can afford premium living standards which can make
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
a crowd
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 feel comfortable and blissful.
Wealthy
Add an article
The wealthy
A wealthy
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community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 can drive fancy cars, live in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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nice
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
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, eat expensive food and so on. For some
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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, the definition of a comfortable and enjoyable lifestyle is proportional to the degree of their asset. Due to that, being wealthier is the engine behind
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
many public’s hard-working.
However
, the
happiness
 from purchasing luxuries cannot be sustainable, family need to
mindful
Add a missing verb
be mindful
show examples
 equally about their wealth, their family bonds and their fitness.
To begin
 with,
quality
Add an article
a quality
the quality
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 day with family is always an irreplaceable moment in a person’s life, spending era doing favourite things with population whom you grow up with can make
community
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the community
a community
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 feel pleasure. Without a family bond, it would be a void that cannot fill with physical possession.
Moreover
, energy conditions
also
plays
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play
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 play an essential role to determine
happiness
. No one can be happy when they have serious
ill
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illness
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 with
short
Correct article usage
a short
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 lifetime future and have to lay in sickbed all day.
Thus
,
besides
 economic success,
community
Add an article
the community
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also
 need
a family bonds
Correct the article-noun agreement
family bonds
a family bond
show examples
 and good fitness to be happy. In conclusion, financial achievement can but it is not the only thing that
decide
Change the verb form
decides
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happiness
, many other values
such
 as relationships and well-being are
also
 contributing
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
certain degree of pleasure, so that, crowd need to balance all of these factors to be happy sustainably.
Submitted by juliethaonguyen1993 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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