IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

#people #exercise #time #health
In
this
 cut-throat world, to maintain their position in their chore, many employees are not able to sustain their
work life
Add a hyphen
work-life
show examples
 balance.
Copious
Change the article
A copious
The copious
show examples
 number of job-holders are
Replace the word
losing
show examples
loosing
Correct your spelling
losing
show examples
 their
health
,as they are not able to set out sufficient
time
 to drill. Reduction in working hours, doing outdoor activities, cultivating balanced diet habits, encouragement from the government and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employer's
Change the noun form
employers
employer
show examples
 to
work-out
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 are some of the solutions to
this
 problem The main reason for the deterioration of
health
 amongst employees is
because of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the adaptation to
this
 sedentary lifestyle. In
this
 contemporary era, mankind
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 completely dependent on machinery to round off their
work
 in less
time
.
For instance
, many companies set out deadlines in
work
,
as a result
 of which working people are bequeathing their leisure
time
 to complete the
work
 in given
time
. In consequence, people tend to return to their homes late,
Replace the word
losing
show examples
loosing
Correct your spelling
losing
show examples
 all their stamina, which
Correct your spelling
in turn
show examples
inturn
Correct your spelling
in turn
show examples
 results in skipping of
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
. During weekends, they prefer to rest
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
 day
instead
 of exercising, few of them would rather play
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
 or watch movies, go on
longrides
Correct your spelling
long rides
 in cars rather than
walking
Wrong verb form
walk
show examples
. It is essential to address
this
 issue for
well-being
Add an article
the well-being
show examples
 of the society. Every person should understand the negative impact of not working out on their
health
. People should opt
walking
Change preposition
for walking
show examples
 to complete their daily household tasks.
In addition
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should start taking precautionary measures by addressing the importance of good
health
 to the companies and employees. Companies should understand the fact that" good
health
 is equal to more productivity" which is indirectly beneficial
in
Correct your spelling
incorporation
show examples
Add an article
a corporation
the corporation
show examples
corporation
Fix the agreement mistake
corporations
show examples
.
Furthermore
, offices must be built near to parks and gyms,so that staff can
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 in their free
time
.
Besides
,
administration
Add an article
the administration
show examples
 should introduce new laws,stating about particular
worktime
Correct your spelling
work time
show examples
 and provide more government holidays. In conclusion, society should acknowledge the viable solutions to ensure that they achieve positive results in future by adapting
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 healthy lifestyle.
Submitted by rajputkaru08 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Time constraints
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Passive leisure activities
  • Workplace wellness programs
  • Active commuting
  • Subsidized
  • Public awareness
  • Health benefits
  • Incentivizing
  • Accessible public spaces
What to do next:
Look at other essays: