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Band 4

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion.

#people #money #factor #happiness
A great number of people thought, having a lot of
money
 is essential for being fortunate.
While
 a handful of other people believe that, there is no relation between wealth and good luck. In my opinion,
money
 is one of the most effective
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 to approach happiness.
However
, there are so many other factors to help us achieve good luck and happiness.
Firstly
,
it is clear that
 having a low
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 situation is the source of too many problems , and we can see the bad effect of
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 economy in our today's
life
.
For doing
Change preposition
To do
show examples
 everything we need
money
for instance
, if we want to continue our education we have to pay
money
, if we need to go to
hospital
Correct article usage
a hospital
show examples
 and need medical care we have to pay for
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
, even if we want to provide primary
life
 stuff we need
money
.
Hence
, for having
Correct article usage
a
show examples
comfortable and relaxed
life
 with fewer headaches and problems we must build a high
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 situation.
On the other hand
, in
this
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 there are a high number of things which are
base
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 happiness and we can'
t
 buy or achieve them with
money
. To have a clear example of it, love, trust, honesty and
e.
Correct your spelling
etc
t
.c
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are things that we can not get
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money
.
Change preposition
for.
show examples
Moreover
, there are some other stuff that need both
money
 and our talent and skills,
for instance
, education. We might be able to go to the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
top university with
money
 but if we don'
t
 have the
intelligncy
Correct your spelling
intelligence
 to continue it
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, it wouldn'
t
 work.
While
 having good knowledge
besides
money
 is the key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a good
life
. In conclusion, being wealthy can help
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us to solve a lot of problems in
life
, but
only
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
money
 is not the only key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a successful and happy
life
.
Submitted by noorinahakimi5 on

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Task Achievement
Expand on the second viewpoint and provide more thorough examples to support it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing the ideas in a more logical sequence and ensure a clear introduction and conclusion.
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