IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion.

#people #money #factor #happiness
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A great number of people thought, having a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 is essential for being fortunate.
While
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 a handful of other people believe that, there is no relation between wealth and good luck. In my opinion,
money
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 is one of the most effective
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
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 to approach happiness.
However
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, there are so many other factors to help us achieve good luck and happiness.
Firstly
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,
it is clear that
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 having a low
economical
Correct word choice
economic
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 situation is the source of too many problems , and we can see the bad effect of
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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 economy in our today's
life
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.
For doing
Change preposition
To do
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 everything we need
money
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for instance
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, if we want to continue our education we have to pay
money
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, if we need to go to
hospital
Correct article usage
a hospital
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 and need medical care we have to pay for
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
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, even if we want to provide primary
life
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 stuff we need
money
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.
Hence
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, for having
Correct article usage
a
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comfortable and relaxed
life
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 with fewer headaches and problems we must build a high
economical
Correct word choice
economic
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 situation.
On the other hand
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, in
this
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world
Add a comma
world,
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 there are a high number of things which are
base
Wrong verb form
based
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for
Change preposition
on
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 happiness and we can'
t
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 buy or achieve them with
money
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. To have a clear example of it, love, trust, honesty and
e.
Correct your spelling
etc
t
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.c
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are things that we can not get
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
.
Change preposition
for.
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Moreover
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, there are some other stuff that need both
money
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 and our talent and skills,
for instance
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, education. We might be able to go to the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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top university with
money
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 but if we don'
t
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 have the
intelligncy
Correct your spelling
intelligence
 to continue it
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, it wouldn'
t
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 work.
While
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 having good knowledge
besides
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money
Use synonyms
 is the key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a good
life
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. In conclusion, being wealthy can help
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us to solve a lot of problems in
life
Use synonyms
, but
only
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 is not the only key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a successful and happy
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by noorinahakimi5 on

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Task Achievement
Expand on the second viewpoint and provide more thorough examples to support it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on organizing the ideas in a more logical sequence and ensure a clear introduction and conclusion.
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