IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

#time #health #people #exercise
Nowadays,
people
 are becoming more unambitious to do workouts during the working day even they have free
time
. As a consequence, their health turns into poor quality. There are two reasons that lead them into
this
 situation: they are too busy and they have
time
 but technological devices attract them. “They are too busy”.
This
 is the age of working,
people
 always talk about business even they have a vacation with their family or their friends so they cannot spend
time
 for exercise. Taking my mom
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 example, she is a teacher, daily, she gets up at 5 o’clock and does housework, at 7 o’clock, she has many lecturers at school until 5 p.m she comes back home and goes on doing housework so she has no
time
 for training.
On the other hand
, Technology creates a passive environment for humans. They are the big fences that separate humans and working out because they are more attractive than workouts. Researchers show that
people
 can take a large amount of
time
 to use technology without feeling bored.
Therefore
,
people
 do not get enough physical education for themselves. Raising their awareness is the most effective way to help them. To raise their awareness, it is necessary to receive the support of the government. They can organize the day for working out and it is compulsory for all.
In addition
, if smartphones or other devices are too addictive, we need an app that can help
people
 gain profits if they do exercise,
this
 will be the best procedure in the future to build a good health social. In conclusion, it is obvious that training plays an important role in our life so we should create ourselves a chance to boost our health for a better life.
Submitted by jakedth162 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: