IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compare with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
In
this
 era,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 contained the majority population of some
countries
. In my opinion, the positive aspects of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
countries
 outweigh the negative aspects.
This
 essay will express
initially
 the demerits and
lastly
 the merits of the issue. On the one hand, some disadvantages are considered in
this
 kind of
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
.
Firstly
, the rate of crime in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societies which have more young adults than old citizens is higher. Many statistics mentioned that the proportion of committing
Add an article
a crime
the crime
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communities with more
youth
 is incomparable
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 those that have fewer
youth
. Because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young individuals have more energy to commit a crime.
Secondly
, the younger generation has less life experience and they do not know how
behave
Add the particle
to behave
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
backbreaking circumstances.
Therefore
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 will form a
high
Replace the word
highly
show examples
 stressful society.
On the other hand
, there are a variety of advantages in these communities.
Firstly
, the higher number of
youth
, the more active and happier is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 society.
That is
 to say, the proportion of the young descendant plays a key role
I
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 the vitality of a society.
Secondly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy people can work more efficiently.
As a result
, they contribute to the economy as well as possible. In fact, the
youth
 making money
instead
 of spending and
this
 matter is absolutely invaluable.
Thirdly
, the
countries
 which have more
youth
, have more chances to
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 outstanding
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 professionals. These
countries
 have not only
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 but
also
 more athletes who can achieve a wide range of accomplishments. To sum up, the societies with more
youth
 are more rich, delighted, and successful
although
 they encounter more disobey of law and anxiety.
Submitted by www.royaizadi280 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: