IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

1.With access to the internet and social media websites, many children are exposed to a nu mber of dangerous situations. Adults should thus limit access to the internet for their children. Do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 modern epoch, it is an irrefutable fact that the internet and social media play an integrated and indispensable role in a child’s life. A group of people in society opine that parents should restrict their
children
Use synonyms
’s hyperspace usage. I firmly agree with
this
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 belief and I am going to elaborate my reasons in the following paragraphs. To embark upon, we are living in a technological era where nothing is impossible. One of the cardinal reasons why I support the argument is that most offspring might not have attained emotional maturity to handle risk-prone situations, which they are more likely to get exposed to online.
For instance
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, the scion is left unattended at home
while
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 their guardians are working outside.
In addition
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 to that most
heir
Fix the agreement mistake
heirs
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 do not receive friendly parental instructions regarding sage net usage and in
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
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 of
parents
Add a comma
parents,
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 they hardly adhere to those directives
this
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 makes them vulnerable to dangerous illegal websites which they might have never expected
Use synonyms
children’s
Change noun form
children
show examples
also
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 become victims of online bullying. Which affects their mental health
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
for instance
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent studies have shown the hindrance in brain development caused by cyberspace.
In addition
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 to
this
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, there are numerous antisocial elements, whose targets are mainly
children
Use synonyms
 they might upsurge the curiosity level among kids by means of virtual games
for example
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 the recent game called
blue whale
Correct your spelling
Blue Whale
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 caused lots of deaths.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 would have been the case if
children
Use synonyms
 were supervised by
the
Change the word
their
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 parents. To recapitulate it's immensely clear that the internet is a key to opening the doors of immense opportunities for
children
Use synonyms
, and in
this
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 competitive world, the positive curiosity of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 should not be retarded by means of these types of restrictions.
However
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, considering the vulnerability to hollow cost. I do recommend
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
elderly supervision.

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Task Achievement
The introduction presents a clear opinion and outlines the reasons, but a more specific thesis statement could enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that main points are clearly delineated and logically flow from one to another. Paragraphs could be more distinct and better tied to the thesis.
Task Achievement
Some examples, while relevant, could be more detailed or nuanced to strengthen arguments and provide clearer links to your main point.
Task Achievement
The introduction effectively states your position and intention to elaborate on your reasons, which is a strong start.
Task Achievement
You've included relevant examples to support your main points, showing a good understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses a topical issue and identifies multiple dangers of unrestricted internet access for children, which is insightful.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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