Nowadays, many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or an organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

#people #work #company #organisation #be #case

These days, many

people

believe that

music

plays a crucial role in our life, which can bridge cultural gaps and differences in age. Personally, I strongly agree with

this

statement and will give my reasons below.

First

of all,

music

could be enjoyed by many

people

from every part of the world, and it can reach across cultural and bring

people

together. No matter what language we speak or understand, we love and appreciate the melody and the tone of

music

Add an article

the music

show examples

. The best thing is that

people

from different

part

Fix the agreement mistake

parts

show examples

of global could gather together and

listen

Add the preposition

tolisten

show examples

the same

music

deeply.

For instance

, some viral

music

, which is written in foreign languages, is famous for not only its melody but

also

its lyrics. And the most popular K-Pop boy group nowadays can be an excellent example for

this

topic,

that is

BTS. Their

music

touches to audience’s hearts and their talents are undeniable. With many meaningful songs and stories, BTS has succeeded in giving messages to all

people

around the world through their global campaign called “Love Myself”.

Furthermore

music

also

has the ability to connect

people

from different generations. In spite of age, we can all enjoy a memorable melody, a soft rhythm or a lovely singing voice, and the beautiful songs seem to have many magical impacts on all of us.

Music

Change the verb form

does

show examples

not differentiate ages. We can listen to many kinds of

music

that interest us, nobody can interfere

Change preposition

with it

show examples

. In conclusion,

music

is an art form

that is

enjoyed by all, it

also

could make our lives more vividly and beautifully, connect us together, regardless of our backgrounds, culture or age

Submitted by hnphu79 on Thu Dec 23 2021

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Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

275 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

6.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

self-employment
freelancing
entrepreneurship
autonomy
financial stability
work-life balance
financial insecurity
lack of support
resources
long working hours
uncertain income
job security

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