Nowadays, children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time doing sports. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

In recent years, young people have been spending a huge amount of
time
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playing video games
instead
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of engaging in physical activities. In my opinion,
it is clear that
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the technological fascination of virtual entertainment can easily attract the attention of the young generation by offering exciting adventures.
However
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,
this
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trend has a detrimental impact on users’ health.
It is clear that
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kids mainly attempt to find more enjoyable things, so engaging in virtual entertainment is one of the best choices that can encourage them to easily achieve their needs.
For example
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, when they start playing, they quickly experience a sense of fulfilment and enjoyment, which encourages them to continue for longer periods.
Consequently
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, many children do not realise how much valuable
time
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they wasted on unusual items
instead
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of doing some types of physical activities.
This
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is a detrimental impact , continuing to absorb many young generations'
time
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.
On the other hand
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, there are various negative impacts that can affect children's health.
For instance
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, the brightness of computer screens can gradually reduce their vision, and spending too much
time
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playing computer games can make them aggressive and easily irritated at a young age.
Furthermore
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, spending less
time
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on sports reduces their physical fitness.
As a result
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, the younger generation may become unsuccessful if they lack mental and physical strength. In conclusion, there is no doubt that young people should engage in sports rather than spend excessive
time
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playing virtual games.
Thus
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, I suspect prolonged gaming can have a significant negative impact on their development, as they are the future of our society.

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task
Your view is clear, but the answer has only a few reasons. Add more clear points on why kids pick games and give more proof.
structure
Some parts are hard to read. Use short, simple sentences.
cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like first, next, also, but, so to keep flow.
examples
Give more exact examples, such as how long they play and what harm you see.
grammar
Check small grammar. Fix spell like fulfillment and keep one idea at a time.
stance
The view is clear that games can be bad for health.
structure
It has a start and a finish.
coherence
It uses linking words to show ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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