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Band 5.5

Some people think that in this modern world, getting old is entirely bad. However, other people believe that the life of old people is much better now than it was in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world #life
Getting old is a natural stage for all human beings. Some people will see it as a bad thing
along with
 physical restraint and change of appearance.
Whereas
, the other argued that the elderly in the modern generation can have a better life quality. In the following essay, both sides of view will be examined and given
by
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apply
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my personal opinion on
this
 matter. First of all, many
mid-aged
Correct your spelling
middle-aged
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 adults believe that ageing will bring them burdens in terms of health conditions and earning capacity. Many elderly are suffering from different diseases,
for example
, knee pain and organ failure, which might lead to a more serious condition.
Furthermore
, the elderly aged above 65
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
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 to retire
according to
 the law. Employers are unlikely to hire
this
 group of people because they have to pay more for medical benefits and insurance
while
 the salary rate is sometimes higher, compared with the youths.
However
, living in
this
 generation,
although
 the abovementioned circumstances still exist, the social supports by the government and organisations are more comprehensive. Hospitals and healthcare systems are developed to handle the growing population of old people.
For example
, care centres are designed to serve underprivileged elderly and elderly who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
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 alone.
Moreover
, there are many local amenities provided by non-profit organisations,
such
 as local centres, where they will regularly host leisure and educational events,
for instance
, teaching them how to use smartphones. Generally speaking, despite the change
of
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in
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 body conditions
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 not be avoided when you get older, benefits and
welfares
Fix the agreement mistake
welfare
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 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern society are doing good to maintain certain life qualities of the elderly.
Therefore
, the elderly in
this
 era are living much better than in the past.
Submitted by tsoiwingtung24 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction should include a clear thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be stronger by summarizing the main points and restating the opinion.
lexical resource
Use more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
The grammatical range and accuracy is mostly good, but watch out for some errors in subject-verb agreement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly
  • modern world
  • decline
  • physical
  • mental health
  • diseases
  • disabilities
  • social isolation
  • loneliness
  • access
  • healthcare
  • medications
  • lifelong learning
  • personal growth
  • social support
  • community engagement
  • positive aspects
  • negative aspects
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