IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

n some countries, parents expect children to spend a long time studying after school and have less free time. Do you think it has positive or negative effects on children and the society that they live in?

#n #countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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It is a contentious topic that
children
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 should spend more
time
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 studying on top of the curriculum in their school and have
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of leisure
time
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relatively
Rephrase
apply
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in different countries. In my opinion,
children
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 have many aspects to learn except for academic
study
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, and lack of leisure
time
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 leads to having fewer opportunities to release
stress
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 and it eventually causes negative influences on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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.
To begin
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 with, it is true that studying is important for
people
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 in the stage of youth.
However
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, there are other valuable aspects that
children
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 should learn other than studying.
For example
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, since
children
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 have multitudinous chances to meet new
people
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 as they grow up, they need to learn how to build relationships of any kind and interact with
people
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. It is hard to learn these from books or lectures. In that sense, focusing on academic fields can
make
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prevent
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 them discourage to
socialize
Wrong verb form
socialising
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 with
people
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.
Therefore
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, only focusing on
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study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 is not beneficial to
children
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.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 who are forced to
study
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 by their parents have less
time
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 to spend with their friends and family. The
children
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 can have
stress
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 from the situation.
People
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 in contemporary
society
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 are aware that
stress
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 is a big problem these days as
stress
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 can bring numerous health issues. Some students end up having depression and committing suicide
due to
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 the pressure from their parents and
stress
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. Balancing
study
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 and breaks can release
stress
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, and
society
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 has
fewer times
Fix the agreement mistake
less time
show examples
 to deal with these problems. All things considered, there are other aspects that
children
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 cannot learn from academic
study
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.
Additionally
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, having more free
time
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 can reduce
stress
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 and health issues
coming
Verb problem
apply
show examples
due to
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stress
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, which helps
society
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 and
children
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 strengthen.
Submitted by shoep11 on

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Task Response
The essay addresses the question, but the arguments could be developed further to provide a more balanced view. Try to include more specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear and the ideas are well-organized. However, the essay lacks a strong and clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction and summarize your main points in the conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. Try to vary your vocabulary choices and use more academic or formal vocabulary where appropriate.
Grammatical Range
Overall, the grammar is accurate, but there are some errors and repetitive structures. Make sure to proofread your essay carefully and try to use a variety of sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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