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n some countries, parents expect children to spend a long time studying after school and have less free time. Do you think it has positive or negative effects on children and the society that they live in?

#n #countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
It is a contentious topic that
children
 should spend more
time
 studying on top of the curriculum in their school and have
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of leisure
time
relatively
Rephrase
apply
show examples
in different countries. In my opinion,
children
 have many aspects to learn except for academic
study
, and lack of leisure
time
 leads to having fewer opportunities to release
stress
 and it eventually causes negative influences on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
To begin
 with, it is true that studying is important for
people
 in the stage of youth.
However
, there are other valuable aspects that
children
 should learn other than studying.
For example
, since
children
 have multitudinous chances to meet new
people
 as they grow up, they need to learn how to build relationships of any kind and interact with
people
. It is hard to learn these from books or lectures. In that sense, focusing on academic fields can
make
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 them discourage to
socialize
Wrong verb form
socialising
show examples
 with
people
.
Therefore
, only focusing on
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 is not beneficial to
children
.
Furthermore
,
children
 who are forced to
study
 by their parents have less
time
 to spend with their friends and family. The
children
 can have
stress
 from the situation.
People
 in contemporary
society
 are aware that
stress
 is a big problem these days as
stress
 can bring numerous health issues. Some students end up having depression and committing suicide
due to
 the pressure from their parents and
stress
. Balancing
study
 and breaks can release
stress
, and
society
 has
fewer times
Fix the agreement mistake
less time
show examples
 to deal with these problems. All things considered, there are other aspects that
children
 cannot learn from academic
study
.
Additionally
, having more free
time
 can reduce
stress
 and health issues
coming
Verb problem
apply
show examples
due to
stress
, which helps
society
 and
children
 strengthen.
Submitted by shoep11 on

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Task Response
The essay addresses the question, but the arguments could be developed further to provide a more balanced view. Try to include more specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear and the ideas are well-organized. However, the essay lacks a strong and clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction and summarize your main points in the conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. Try to vary your vocabulary choices and use more academic or formal vocabulary where appropriate.
Grammatical Range
Overall, the grammar is accurate, but there are some errors and repetitive structures. Make sure to proofread your essay carefully and try to use a variety of sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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