IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that education in certain countries do not cater to the economic needs of society. What are the drawbacks of this education system and mention some solutions

#people #education #countries #society #system
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
: Needs and expectations are complex aspects of humanity that has a direct response to deal with them , so , we cannot assume that societies are different and we must draw a specific plan
according to
 each papulation . I disagree that economic crisis is various in each papulation ,
however
, there is a basic fundamental theory that has been understood well in begining of human existence until nowdays ,and a common essential ring in
this
 issue is learning and teaching for got a valuable insight to collaborate together ,
however
, some scientific research studies has been revealed eminent results for understanding human nature for living ,so, I will discuss more in the following sentences to clarify in
this
 view. Attack1 ;
Education
 is the
way
 that you can build communication fields for absorbing other ideas for solving a problem ,
while
, some believe
education
 is only about facts and memorised rules ,
while
,
education
 is the basic part of cooperation betwen generation ,you can imgine when a teacher teaches some simple phenomenon in own classes ,he can conterct with creative minds in sessions and find a solution for biieng more active in own life . Attack 2 : Econimic is originated of human lexical abilities for the
way
 of living ,sometimes, people can live with convenient
way
 for making a
coffee
 and it depend on their attidues ,
for example
, It imagine one student wants to go to the mathematical class and other student wants to go to the sport competition ,bothpeople need to drink coffeine for having best performance to put their abilities on their purpose , the is a
coffee
 shop is located in near of homes ,and they have own equipement for providing a one cup of
coffee
 ,
however
, theirlevel od stress , need to be calm , haing a good smell of warm
coffee
 can change every decision for put your money in the hands of cafeterias , neither
education
 nor economic status cannot specify
this
 decision ,wherease , the weather and level od stress and other factors can be consider to drink a
coffee
 in home or in coffes shop ,so ,behavioural studies showed
education
 in a long time can combat economic crisis but not in a short time and it is not related to needs of humanity that you can be able predict before that happened . As a conclusion , I think educational road is a long
way
 for solving problems in it cananot be clarify the short-term needs regarding to economic status at the present life.
Submitted by h.ebrahimi66 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear coherence and cohesion. The structure of the arguments is convoluted with unclear transitions between ideas, making it difficult for the reader to follow the line of reasoning. There should be a clear introduction setting up the topic, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a separate aspect of the problem, and a conclusion that succinctly summarises the main points discussed and reiterates the position taken.
task achievement
The response does not adequately address the task as the drawbacks of the current education system and the solutions are not clearly outlined and developed. The introduction should present a clear thesis statement that responds directly to the questions asked. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence, and the main points should directly relate to the task. Examples given should be specific and clearly linked to the thesis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: