IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?

#improvements #today’s #health #care #society #people #numbers
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As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time goes by, the facility of
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 keeps improving from various aspects.
This
Linking Words
 improvement, somehow, is followed by the rising of the number of humans, especially the elderly
people
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that humanity will be able to cope with the elevating of the numbers of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 as more
people
Use synonyms
engaged
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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. Living in Indonesia has been known as one of the largest
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
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 in
this
Linking Words
 world and probably has a large
numbers
Correct the article-noun agreement
number
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 of elderly. Along with the addition of the number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, well, not only the elderly, the government tried to anticipate by increasing the number of
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
. As I know, in the
last
Linking Words
 5 years, there are 3 hospitals
was
Change the verb form
were
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 built in my
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
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. Due to
this
Linking Words
 fact, I personally think that our society is able to cope with
this
Linking Words
 problem. In another view, more
people
Use synonyms
 are eager to encourage themselves to take more
care
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to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their parents. Since more
health
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care
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 facilities are built, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
also
Linking Words
 an elevation of
insurance
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 members. Most
people
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 realize the
urgent
Replace the word
urgency
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 of being registered in
insurance
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health
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care
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, my workplace
sign
Change the verb form
signs
show examples
 up all of the teachers and
also
Linking Words
 their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 to an
insurance
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 company, to prevent any
economy
Replace the word
economic
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 difficulties for our family members.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
insurance
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 can cover any
health
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 problems for the elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in our family and they can receive the best
care
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 which is offered by the
health
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care
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, the upgrading
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 facilities
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 made our hope to take
care
Use synonyms
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 elderly becomes possible. As well as the anticipation from
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 which added more hospitality and
also
Linking Words
 the concern from all companies to provide
insurance
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, we can easily be responsible to the elderly
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by serlyayus on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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