Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cell #phone #security #cameras #cases #development

These days, technological devices

such

as surveillance cameras or mobile phones are being utilized to monitor public

activities

whether

people

are aware of that or not.

While

there are some pros to

this

type of investigation, I do believe that its drawbacks are more. On one hand, the usage of new technologies

put

Wrong verb form

puts

show examples

a number of innocent

people

under investigation.

This

is the most negative consequence of modern life which

put

Wrong verb form

puts

show examples

innocent

people

watch-lists

Correct your spelling

watch lists

show examples

. By increasing the amount of coverage, governments restrict the rights of those who don’t deserve security interventions.

In addition

, a huge amount of expenses has been allocated for

governments

Change the noun form

government

show examples

surveillance. Considering the high-tech equipment, labour cost, and time for collecting and analyzing data, several million dollars that

comes

Correct subject-verb agreement

come

show examples

from taxpayers’ pockets have been spent on these types of

activities

While

this

money can be used for improving public infrastructure, they are used in the name of defence.

On the other hand

, monitoring

people

keep

Correct subject-verb agreement

keeps

show examples

them safe. The goal of tracking public

activities

is to discover criminal

activities

. Using intelligence resources to monitor communications

allow

Correct subject-verb agreement

allows

show examples

governments to detect any association with international terrorism.

For instance

, in 2021, the police of France

have

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

detected terrorism planning in Paris by observing a group of suspicious and

fortunately

Add a comma

fortunately,

show examples

they neutralized the attack before it took place.

Moreover

this

activity can provide accurate evidence of events. These technological devices can be installed in all places, including stoplights, telephone poles, ceilings of homes and public places and

therefore

they can record and analyze a huge amount of data.

However

, we should not forget that these recordings intervene in private lives.

To conclude

, I admit that

although

there are a number of advantages to being monitored without awareness,

yet

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

it has more negative consequences.

Submitted by Parastoo on Sat Jan 08 2022

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task response

Your introduction and conclusion need to be more developed. Ensure that you clearly address the prompt and provide a balanced argument for both advantages and disadvantages of technological monitoring.

coherence and cohesion

Your essay lacks clear paragraph structure and logical flow of ideas. Make sure to use connecting words and phrases to link your ideas together coherently and improve the overall organization of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

292 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jam'. How true do you think this statement is? What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?

As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classroom. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion.

Developing countries require help offered by international organization to ensure healthy and sustainable development. Some people think that financial aid is important. Other believe that practical aid and advice is more important. Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.

Some people think the newly built houses should be the same as the old houses in local areas. Others argue that local authorities should allow people to build houses in their own styles. Discuss both views and give your opinion.