IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is better to spend more money to eliminate the cause of crime, while other think that the government should spend more on punishment. Discuss both views and give you opinion?

In terms of
crimes
Use synonyms
, some people argue that the government should spend more money on punishment.
Linking Words
While others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 think that
this
Linking Words
 type of expenditure should be aimed
to treat
Change preposition
at treating
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 and
eliminate
Wrong verb form
eliminating
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 the cause of
crimes
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 material
will be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
discussed
Wrong verb form
discusses
show examples
both points of view and wherein my opinion should be better to treat the causes of
criminality
Use synonyms
. On the one hand,
criminality
Use synonyms
 has grown exponentially among different cities around the world, but it
also
Linking Words
 diminishes but never disappears.
In other words
Linking Words
, crime should be treated as a disease not only a social issue. There are many causes that bring
crimes
Use synonyms
 to pop into society,
such
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 as the lack of social help from the government to poor people and education that if well implemented can improve society for the better.
On the other hand
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,
criminality
Use synonyms
 should not be seen as a fairy tale. There are evil
crimes
Use synonyms
 going on around the world and should be handled properly, bringing proper punishment based on local law enforcement.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, a good example and contrast would be the drug traffic in poor countries
such
Linking Words
 as South America. There, drug lords hire young people with a dream of easy money, making,
as a result
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, an
infinity
Replace the word
infinite
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 loop of
criminality
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.
Therefore
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, working and focusing on punishment and spending money to treat the cause of
criminality
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 should work together
besides
Linking Words
 local government. In conclusion, In my opinion, there are different cases based on different parts of the world, that should be treated differently, but I totally agree that in some proportion both of these actions should be brought together to treat
criminality
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your introduction could be clearer. Try to briefly outline your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas better with linking words like 'however' or 'furthermore'.
task response
Provide specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more relatable.
task response
You show a good understanding of the topic and present both views well.
task response
Your ideas about addressing the causes of crime are relevant and thought-provoking.
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