IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Nowadays doctors can become very rich. Maybe they should not focus on profitable activities such as plastic surgery or looking after rich patients and concentrate more on patient's health, no matter how rich they are. Do you agree or disagree?

#doctors #focus #activities #plastic #surgery #patients #patient #health #matter
I worked for Indofood CBP Sukses Makmur Tbk as an Internal Auditor after graduation. Many aspects in manufacturing business cycles have been audited,
such
 as
finance
, compliance and process.
This
 job has sharpened my analytical thinking, problem-solving, and data processing skills since I have to ensure if there is still room for improvement.
One
 of my biggest contributions to the company was when I saw a significant rise in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
overtime pay in the financial statement.
Then
, I observed and found that the amount calculated by payroll officers was bigger compared to the government regulation in
Indonesia
.
As a result
, the company’s
growth
 shown in the financial statement looked smaller than it should be. After that, I decided to give a comprehensive recommendation so that efficiency can be achieved, and profits in the financial statement reflect the actual situation. As my current work is focusing on improvement in the company that has already been running for years, for my future Master’s Degree program, I intend to focus studying on how to help Start-up companies or Small and Medium Enterprises, that have just run their businesses either with their owned capital or with
investment
 from foreign countries, allocate their capital effectively and efficiently. I am inspired by people around me who have just built their businesses but have to close their businesses due to financial problems, especially in
this
 pandemic.
Therefore
, I found it important to improve my knowledge of
finance
. At the same time, I would like to take part in realizing
one
 of the sustainable development goals of the United Nations about decent work and economic
growth
 that aim to encourage the formalization and
growth
 of Small and Medium Enterprises, including through access to financial services. I would like to start from my motherland,
Indonesia
, as
one
 of the emerging market economies that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been received lots of
investment
. Hungary is
one
 of the key partners for
Indonesia
 as the
investment
 reached US$ 1.5 billion in 2020. I choose
Cornivus
Correct article usage
the Cornivus
show examples
University
 of Budapest because it is recognized by the Institute of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFA), and the core modules offered include ‘Investments’ and ‘Applied Business Valuation’ that will strengthen my skills.
In addition
, I am already excited as it has a financial laboratory
that is
 equipped with Bloomberg and Reuters terminals to support my study.
On the other hand
, Budapest
University
 of Technology and Economics is
also
one
 of the universities that I would like to study in since it is accredited by
CFA
Correct article usage
the CFA
show examples
 Institute and
Global
Correct article usage
the Global
show examples
 Association of Risk Professionals (GARP). Similar to Cornivus
University
, Budapest
University
 offers ‘Investments’ and ‘Valuation of Enterprises’ compulsory modules to enhance my knowledge.
One
 of the challenges that I may face while studying abroad is language, but I am eager to learn both English and Hungarian language to support my study in Hungary. Upon gaining a Master’s Degree, I plan to work in the government, particularly in the Ministry of
Investment
, to implement what I have learnt for economic
growth
 in
Indonesia
.
Lastly
, I highly wish to be accepted due to my strong interest in
finance
. It will be
such
 a privilege to experience
finance
 education in Hungary. Please, accept my deepest appreciation and gratitude for your
further
 assessment and consideration.
Submitted by noviburg28 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: