IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
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Children
Use synonyms
 weight gain is
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 rising
issue
Use synonyms
 everywhere irrespective of
regions
Fix the agreement mistake
region
show examples
 and culture. A part of society believes that the increase in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
children
Replace the word
childhood
show examples
Use synonyms
obesity
Change preposition
with obesity
show examples
 is
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 responsibility. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
parents
Use synonyms
 hold
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ownership
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their offsprings'
health
Use synonyms
. We will discuss
further
Linking Words
 on
this
Linking Words
 topic and exhibit reasons to support my opinion.
Although
Linking Words
, the public point out the governments' inability to take control over today's
children
Use synonyms
 weight
issue
Use synonyms
, the truth is, it's
parents
Use synonyms
' responsibility to monitor their
children
Use synonyms
's eating
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
habits
such
Linking Words
,
food
Use synonyms
 type, quantity and most importantly, their physical activities.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
food
Use synonyms
 types -
kids
Use synonyms
 eating
choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
show examples
are mostly rely
Change the verb form
mostly rely
show examples
 on sweets and
advertized
Correct your spelling
advertised
show examples
 foods like
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
chacolates
Correct your spelling
chocolates
chocolate
, sweet drinks, pizzas, burgers, french fries and so on
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Secondly
Linking Words
, intake
quantiy
Correct your spelling
quantity
 - nowadays,
necessity
Add an article
the necessity
show examples
 of
dinning
Correct your spelling
dining
show examples
 tables had been
reduces
Change the verb form
reducing
reduced
show examples
,
kids
Use synonyms
 are eating
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of
TV
Add an article
the TV
show examples
 while enjoying their favourite TV program, in result eating more
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 necessary.
For example
Linking Words
, my sister is
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 working
women
Change the noun form
woman
show examples
 and she couldn't spend time with her son
instead
Linking Words
 she just fulfiled his requirements. He used all his pocket money to eat unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and in huge
quantily
Correct your spelling
quantity
 by the end of
year
Add an article
the year
show examples
 he gained 15 kgs. It could have
could have
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
stopped at
Correct your spelling
beginning
begining
Correct article usage
the begining
show examples
, if my sister
payed
Correct your spelling
paid
show examples
attentation
Correct your spelling
attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 his eating
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, due to security
issues
Add a comma
,issues
show examples
 moms and dads are prefer
therie
Correct your spelling
there
the
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
show examples
 inside the home and play.
Linking Words
Thus
Correct your spelling
This
show examples
results
Add the preposition
inresults
fromresults
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 addiction to mobiles, TV,
vedio
Correct your spelling
video
 games. in other
wordls
Correct your spelling
words
worlds
, a
survery
Correct your spelling
survey
 had been
conductred
Correct your spelling
conducted
 by the
health
Use synonyms
 department in
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2020
reveled
Correct your spelling
revealed
show examples
 the truth behind the real cause of
obesity
Use synonyms
. A
decate
Correct your spelling
decade
 ago
kids
Use synonyms
 used to play outside that helped them
physical
Replace the word
physically
show examples
 active
also
Linking Words
 they spent more time
ouside
Correct your spelling
outside
 and ate less
food
Use synonyms
. Whereas now
kids
Use synonyms
endup
Correct your spelling
end up
 in home and they grabbed the
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
rabbit
 of eating all day while
perfoming
Correct your spelling
performing
 action.
This
Linking Words
ineffect
Correct your spelling
in effect
 lifestyle
playing
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 weight gain. To conclude,
instead
Linking Words
 of government
parents
Use synonyms
 are
resposible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for the
Use synonyms
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
issue
Use synonyms
. They are entitled to watch them and
indtroduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 them to
Use synonyms
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 life. To conclude,
instead
Linking Words
 of government
parents
Use synonyms
 are
resposible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for the
Use synonyms
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
issue
Use synonyms
. They are entitled to watch them and
indtroduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 them to
Use synonyms
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 life.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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