IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

 Some countries allow old people to work to any age that they want. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #age
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In response to the
aging
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ageing
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 population comes the opinion that senior citizens should be empowered by the authorities to work regardless of their
age
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 practice offers a gateway to improve elderly physical and mental well-being, it cannot justify the imbalance workforce and the likelihood of workplace accidents.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, I lean toward the idea that the disadvantages eclipsed the advantages. Rationally, the absence of retirement
age
Use synonyms
 ensues elderly mental wellness improvement. In simple words, being employed averts the deterioration of self-esteem in older adults by allowing them to
further
Linking Words
 contribute to the accumulation of social wealth.
For instance
Linking Words
, many workers in Japan are willing to engage in the
Use synonyms
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 force beyond their retirement
age
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, which sustains their contribution to society and eases the financial burden on pension schemes. It implies that registering in the workforce enriches their mental health by keeping them busy and reducing the social burden stigma. Meanwhile, imbalance in the
Use synonyms
labor
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labour
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 market may arise when the elderly
targets
Fix the agreement mistake
target
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same
Correct article usage
the same
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 positions as
younger
Add an article
the younger
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 generation. Since the aged often lack stamina and physical fitness for jobs that require physical demanding, they will search for a
favorable
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favourable
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 work environment
such
Linking Words
 as office worker or manager in a business setting. While other fields witness a potential shortage of workers, some jobs can be unreasonably appealing and competitive to approach due to competence between two
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labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 forces, youths and the elderly,
In addition
Linking Words
, there are more substantial risks to both older people and society when working at the limit of their
age
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. A prime example is teaching or coaching, where the degradation of memories associated with slower somatic reflexes resulted in frequent mistakes in older people compared to the young generation.
That is
Linking Words
 why working at the edge of retirement generated detrimental repercussions for the elderly and society. In recapitulation,
although
Linking Words
 it is tempting to permit old
Use synonyms
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 to work regardless of their
age
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, governments ought to set limits and be careful with the probability of
Use synonyms
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 accidents. If authorities fail to impose a sufficient solution, stiff competition will result in unnecessary redundancy and shortage in other disciplines.
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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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