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Band 5

Nowadays,people spend more and more time away from their family.Why?What effect will it gave on themselves and their family

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Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 day and age,
people
Use synonyms
 use less
time
Use synonyms
 to stay with their family.Some consider that it will bring bad effects to all the family.From my perspective,there are
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
 which
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation and it has both benefits and drawbacks.
Body paragraph 1
Generation is a big factor that
change
Change the verb form
changes
show examples
 our
time
Use synonyms
 stay
besides
Linking Words
 family.The world between elder and younger
people
Use synonyms
 in a family is totally different.Parents may have to experience the child’s new language,symbol and lifestyle,even if it creates annoying feelings to them.It is not strange that argument will
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
have happened
show examples
 in a family so that young adults tend to leave the house and have
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 independent life.Without
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 parents or grandparents, young
people
Use synonyms
 have more
spaces
Fix the agreement mistake
space
show examples
 to
breath
Replace the word
breathe
show examples
 and do the things they
loves
Change the verb form
love
show examples
,
instead
Linking Words
 of being
control
Wrong verb form
controlled
show examples
 strictly by the elders.
In addition
Linking Words
,young adults want to support their family financial burden,they have to spend more of their
time
Use synonyms
 in order to work and try their best to make money.
Body paragraph 2
On the one hand,
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 less
time
Use synonyms
 with family may make
people
Use synonyms
 face some negative effects.The relationships between each generation will become weaker and worse than ever.The family can
breakdown
Correct your spelling
break down
show examples
 easily due to a lack of interaction.It is harder for each one to understand and sympathize with our family members without spending moments and
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
,with no family protection and help, the child
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a higher percentage of
involving
Replace the word
involvement
show examples
 in risky crime and delinquency.
The social
Correct article usage
Social
show examples
 life is difficult,even if a person put all his effort into work,no one
sure
Add a missing verb
is sure
show examples
 that he can
suffers
Change the verb form
suffer
show examples
 from all the obstacles in his life.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 away from family can be a good solution to keep the relationship between us good enough.Avoiding arguments and conflicts become unchallenging when
people
Use synonyms
 do
nothave
Correct your spelling
not have
 to stay face to face
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 our family too much.All of the moments between parents and child are much more unforgettable and countless.
That is
Linking Words
 the way
people
Use synonyms
 can clearly
feels
Change the verb form
feel
show examples
 the
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
 of the times we spend
besides
Linking Words
 our family.
Conclusion
In conclusion,there are numerous reason that leads to
this
Linking Words
 distance of the
time
Use synonyms
 we use for family, too much comfort breakdown the love and
understand
Replace the word
understanding
show examples
 between each
members
Change to a singular noun
member
show examples
 create bad effects to all the
Correct your spelling
child's
child
childs
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 in the future.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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