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Band 5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. some people say that the price increase of fattening food will solve this problem .to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #food
Nowadays, many
people
 become
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 due to eating fast foods and sugary products. it is agreed that government should implement a tax on these kinds of
food
 which price will go up and consumers reduce to use that
as a result
. I totally support
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 ideal and suggest that physical programs should be introduced and encouraged.
Beside
Correct your spelling
Besides
show examples
 eating much fast
food
, limiting in physical activities is
also
 the reason which
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
 become overweight significantly these days. These issues will give
people
 many bad impacts
such
 as heart disease or obesity. To prevent those, the high tax should be applied in
price
Add an article
the price
show examples
 for some kinds of
food
such
 as fast
food
, sugary products or fattening
food
 while applying the promotion for healthy ones.
Citizens
 will be likely to reduce
use
Correct article usage
the use
show examples
those
Change preposition
of those
show examples
 which are expensive and replace
Correct pronoun usage
them by
show examples
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 affordable ones.
For instance
, if the price of one hamburger increases to $10,
people
 will choose noodles or bread
instead
.
In addition
,
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 implementing some taxation regulations,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should build
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 with well-equipped for
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 which will attract
citizens
 to do physical exercises. These programs not only let
people
 keep fit but
also
 reduce some diseases.
Citizens
 who are
good
Change preposition
in good
show examples
 health in physical and mental, work productive who
finally
 bring
much benefit
Change the quantifier
many benefits
show examples
 for the nation. In conclusion, to have healthy populations,
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 not only apply duties for unhealthy foodstuffs but
also
 encourage its
citizens
 to do workouts frequently by building more sports centre. These actions will bring benefits for both personal and nation
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a result.
Submitted by annaleo130395 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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