Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Some
people
believe that
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the present
technology
inclined
Verb problem
is
show examples
being used to monitor what
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
users are saying and doing
such
as tracking
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
position through a
smartphone
. In my opinion, I agree with the invention bringing a lot of
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
human life now, even though there was an issue that said the cell phone company monitored
people
from afar. In developed countries like the United Kingdom, Japan, Korea, and others, many
people
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
home
security
technology
with cameras that are connected to their smartphones. It helps working parents
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
protect their homes
while
going to the office. Another advantage for parents
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
that
technology
with a nanny service to take care of their baby is feeling calmer to see them than without camera monitoring.
For example
, my brother and my sister-in-law are working parents so they put a camera in front of the
home
gate, and living room to guard their house, so they did not need to hire
security
to protect their
home
.
On the other hand
, much news on the internet
spread
Wrong verb form
spreads
show examples
a rumor that big
smartphone
companies always track individual positions through their system,
However
, that issue does not
make
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
a person limit them using a
smartphone
. The reason behind that because
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
using a
smartphone
can bring easy access to the user for using many services.
For instance
, the students can access their
mathematic
Replace the word
mathematics
show examples
e-book
Fix the agreement mistake
e-books
show examples
through their cell
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
and do not need to struggle to put the big
boog
Correct your spelling
book
show examples
in their bag, the price is cheaper than the hardcover book. To summarize, It is obvious that
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
development solved many problems
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
human life
such
as
home
security
guards and easy access to many facilities on the phone application. Even though their movement is always
get monitoring
Wrong verb form
monitored
show examples
,
however
Rephrase
apply
show examples
many countries have already implemented a cyber
security
policy to avoid that kind of problem.
Submitted by nurulrofifah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a more detailed and balanced response to the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of technology monitoring. Develop your ideas further to provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of the essay is generally logical and the introduction and conclusion are present. Focus on organizing your ideas more coherently within paragraphs to enhance overall coherence and cohesion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: