IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that purpose of education should be helping the individual to become useful for society, while others believe it should help individuals to achieve their ambitions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Education
Use synonyms
 has a vital role in
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 individual's life. Among
people
Use synonyms
, some of them think that the object of academics is an aid to help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
society
Punctuation problem
society,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that it should give
hand
Correct article usage
a hand
show examples
 to reach goals. In my opinion, both views have it is own quality as discussed as follows.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
's attitude towards the community is
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person who is well educated can lead the public with confidence and knowledge.
For example
Linking Words
, in
politics
Add a comma
politics,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who are educated can solve any issues raised in the field of finance,
education
Use synonyms
, or tourism. Because when a problem
origin
Use the right word
originates
show examples
across
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any time
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
 can wisely
take
Use the right word
make
show examples
decision
Correct article usage
a decision
show examples
 with their knowledge and conviction.
Hence
Linking Words
, every
Use synonyms
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 will support and trust that resolution rather than a person who is uneducated.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
society
Use synonyms
 needs professional
people
Use synonyms
 like doctors, nurses, and other medical staff to serve them and obtain good health services. The
covid
Use the right word
COVID
show examples
 pandemic situation is a similar case.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals have their own target to achieve a good position in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, as everyone knows about the former
USA
Use the right word
US
show examples
 president Abraham Lincoln
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 was born into poverty. He was self-educated even under the brightness of street-light and became a lawyer.
Thus
Linking Words
, all are learning
hardly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
in any difficult situation.
However
Linking Words
, to live
stable
Correct article usage
a stable
show examples
 and financially backgrounded
education
Use synonyms
 is a must. Not only knowledge
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 they can attain well placed in
society
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, each one has their own dream about their life
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 in
the fact
Check wording
terms
show examples
 of
education
Use synonyms
 and job. In conclusion, academics are always helpful for individual development
as well as
Linking Words
 social services.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 give priority to obtaining a career so that they can serve
society
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
as well
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Link ideas with clear topic sentences and simple connectors to show flow.
language
Check grammar and word choice to make meaning clear.
content
Give only helpful examples and explain how they support the point.
content
The essay shows both sides and gives a view.
language
Some examples are used, like Lincoln.
content
A clear message about education value.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • vocational training
  • professional education
  • workforce
  • informed citizens
  • critical thinking
  • civic activities
  • personal talents
  • nurture
  • innovation
  • specialize
  • personal satisfaction
  • self-awareness
  • fulfilled lives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: