IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

IELTS 12 - Test 6 - Task 2: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#ielts #test #time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young
adults
, compared with the number of older
people
. I believe that
this
 has more benefits than drawbacks. The disadvantage of
this
 development is that it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the country does not has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 leader in a variety of jobs since it is
necessery
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to use older
people
 to be the leader
due to
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they have more experience than
adults
. Despite
this
, there are significant advantages it can bring to
people
's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Firstly
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
adults
 have an intention to do their job in the best performance since the progression are considered the most important in working life.
For example
, according to the latest research conducted by Bangkok University, it was revealed that 80% of employees in Thailand can be
reponsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 role better than older
people
 because they want to have the workings in order to advance in their position.
In addition
 to
this
, on a wider
level
Add a comma
,level
show examples
 it may
also
 benefit
adults
 can make kids in order that have the
next
 generation to develop the country because the range of
this
 ages
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 suitable to have kids. To illustrate
this
, in recent news, it has been reported that The age between 25 and 30 is very appropriate to have kids
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 develop the country in the future and
also
 take care
them
Change preposition
of them
show examples
 when they become elderly. I would
therefore
 argue that
although
 there are disadvantages of the current trend, they are outweighed by the advantages.
Submitted by patchara8633 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: