IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Modern technology is now very common in most work places. How do you think this has changed the way we work? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology?

#technology #work #places
Two line graphs demonstrate the proportion of using electrical cleaning tools and the average number of doing housework an hour every week in a
household
 from 1920 to 2019. In total it is obvious that the percentage of households with electrical appliances increased while the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of hours
spend
Change the form of the verb
spent
show examples
 on housework decreased throughout the whole period of time. The years from 1920 to 1960 saw a sharp rise in about 90% of
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 using
refrigerator
Add an article
the refrigerator
a refrigerator
show examples
, after which, it has a slight growth get to 100% in 1980. In the use of vacuum cleaner, the trend
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 a gradual increase at a rate of 1% per year from 1920 to 1980
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the highest point of 100% from 2000, which had
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 stable till 2019 as
percentage
Add an article
a percentage
show examples
 of the
household
 using
refrigerator
Add an article
the refrigerator
a refrigerator
show examples
. In
Correct your spelling
contrast
show examples
contract
Correct your spelling
contrast
show examples
,
washing
Add an article
the washing
show examples
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 had the smallest growth during the period. There were 40% of
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
show examples
 used it in 1920, and the proportion rose to 70%. After that, it dropped to 65% in 1980 and rose to 70% in 1960.
Then
 it had a steady increase to 64% in 2019.
However
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of hours that family spent
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing housework went down from 50 in 1920 to 16 in 1980, after which, it had
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
short maintenance for 20 years and drop to
bottom
Add an article
the bottom
show examples
 of 11 in 2019. The percentage of
household
 in
refrigerator
Add an article
a refrigerator
show examples
 used to be the lowest with only 2% in 1920.
Then
 it had pas the vacuum cleaner and washing machine in 1939 and 1943. After that, it had been the highest for 75 years.
By contrast
, in 1920,
washing
Add an article
the washing
show examples
 machine had the most proportion of
household
 but it had become the fewest ever since 1960.
Submitted by 450617532 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: