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Band 5

Essay #1: Technology have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

#technology #children #time #outweigh
In today's
world
Add a comma
,world
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 the majority of people rely heavily on
technology
 as a primary source of using extra
time
 poorly .
This
 essay will argue that the disadvantages of
this
 overweigh its merits .
This
 essay will
first
 look at how
education
 becomes easier to study as a main significant advantage
then
 deteriorating
health
 as one of the main drawbacks. One of the main crucial advantages of using
technology
is do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not
waste
Fix the infinitive
to waste
show examples
time
 as much as offline study since
children
 are doing lessons at home and they do not waste
time
 to get ready for school or university. According to the recent
data
Add a comma
,data
show examples
 50 % of survey answers was that
further
education
 for students and adolescents become more accessible and available to grab all information since obscure topics they can learn at home and raise the marks by themselves.
Furthermore
, if students had a partly job with a study they would study online despite some external factors which facilitate to enhance academic achievement and successfully commit
education
 and to assimilate
a knowledge
Remove the article
knowledge
a piece of knowledge
show examples
. A primary example of
this
 is
high
Change the article
a high
the high
show examples
 number of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
students who studied at the mastery degree and they can obtain a very valuable source of knowledge and they tend to finish a tertiary
education
 with a high
educational
Replace the word
education
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 diploma.
However
 , one of the considerable downsides of using
technology
 leads to impairment of
health
. The excessive use of the internet or mass media have a considerable impact on our eyes and
children
 tend to have a sedentary lifestyle as well as it may lead to having a different serious disaster
such
 as obesity or addiction to modern
technology
 . According to the
data
Add a comma
,data
show examples
 80% of USA residents show a gradually increase
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 number of
children
 who depend
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
technology
 suffer poor diet since they are doing 24/7 of daily life schedule they prefer to spend free
time
 with
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 playing a different game which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 affect
on
Change preposition
on on
show examples
children
's mental
health
 . In conclusion , even the majority of people tend to conduct on the internet they do not
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
forget that disadvantages overweigh its merits since save our
health
 is a more vital item which needs to put into consideration for everyone .
Submitted by ayman.1994 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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