IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many cities the use of video cameras in public places is being increased in order to reduce crime, but some people believe that these measures restrict our individual freedom. Do the advantages of video surveillance outweigh the disadvantages?

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Video
Use synonyms
 cameras have become common in many countries in recent years.
While
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 I understand that critics may see
this
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 as an invasion of privacy, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, many people feel that
video
Use synonyms
 camera recording of their movements is likely to be a form of state control that intrudes on their privacy and freedom of life.
For example
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, when a married man starts an ungrounded relationship with his female coworker, he does not do something criminal but
this
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 unwise action would be recorded. The feeling of being observed may lead him to consider as controlled by these recording machines.
On the other hand
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, the continuing recording police conduct a constant patrol over streets and alleys. Dwellers just dislike doing something with unease.
However
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, I believe that observant machines play a critical role in reducing the crime rate.
Conversely
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, culprits would choose places where it is not easy to be caught.
For instance
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, shoplifters and pickpockets are less likely to operate in parts of cities where they know that they are being watched. European countries are regarded as wonderful as the heaven of appealing attractions;
however
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, those countries filled with pickpockets have a negative impact on the
traveler's
Change the spelling
traveller's
show examples
 safety.
For example
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, Taiwan has set up thousands of
video
Use synonyms
 cameras for many years, the crime rate has dramatically dropped and people feel a sense of security. They enjoy the benefits of these functions but ignore how frequently they face these machines.
Thus
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,
video
Use synonyms
 camera is a key to building up the protective walls away from the underlying factors of crime. In conclusion, people feel unsafety being supervised by observant equipment;
however
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, these
video
Use synonyms
 cameras efficiently and effectively catch and prosecute offenders, and the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.

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task achievement
Your introduction is strong and clearly states your position on the topic. However, try to provide a bit more background information for a well-rounded introduction.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and interesting, but you need to elaborate on them more. For instance, you could give more detailed examples or statistics to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good, but some parts of your argument could be organized better. Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that your points flow logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively but could be strengthened by restating your thesis in a fresh way and offering a more compelling final thought.
supported main points
Develop the paragraphs more fully so that they provide stronger support for your main points. Ensure each paragraph has a topic sentence followed by well-developed supporting sentences.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and engages the reader's interest.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is effective in summarizing your main points, though it could be more compelling.
task achievement
Your arguments are relevant and well-chosen for the topic. They show a clear understanding of the issue at hand.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • video surveillance
  • crime deterrent
  • law enforcement
  • privacy infringement
  • public safety
  • evidence
  • surveillance abuse
  • secure environment
  • citizen oversight
  • data misuse
  • budget constraints
  • false sense of security
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