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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

it is the responsibility of the government to take care of the health of citizens or citizens should take care of their own health. Give your own opinion?

Everyone wants better health. it is argued that who is responsible for the health of the population, either the
government
Use synonyms
 or the
people
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. In my opinion, both the
government
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 and the public are responsible for the well-being of society. Because the sedentary lifestyle of the population leads to unhealthy diets, low taxes imposed by states on unhealthy foods encourage their consumption.
This
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 essay will discuss the responsibility for the health of the citizens. To commence with, in the contemporary era, a sedentary lifestyle has
been
Verb problem
become
show examples
 so common in every
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
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. Nowadays,
people
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 prefer to eat street
food
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 over homemade
food
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.
As a result
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, a large number of
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
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 high in gluten are consumed, which contributes to obesity and other deadly diseases.
For instance
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, a study conducted by the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom shows that
people
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 who eat junk
food
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 regularly are more likely to get obese than those who prefer home-cooked
food
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.
Thus
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, the habit of eating unhealthy
food
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 leads to a deterioration in a person's well-being.
On the other hand
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, the
government
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also
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 plays a vital role in public welfare.
Because the
Change preposition
The
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 authority does not levy significant taxes on carbonated drinks and
package
Replace the word
packaged
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 meals, making them easily accessible to the public.
Hence
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, nutrient-poor
food
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 is promoted indirectly.
For example
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, a survey conducted by the University of Oxford in England shows that
people
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 choose cheap carbonated drinks over fresh juices.
Consequently
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, the
government
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 must impose heavy tariffs on unhealthy
food
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, which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 detrimental to public welfare. In conclusion, I repeat
both
Correct word choice
that both
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
 and the citizens have the responsibility towards a healthy nation. The public should opt for home-cooked
food
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the authorities should impose heavy taxes on carbonated drinks and junk
food
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.

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strength
The idea that both people and government share duty is clear and good.
improvement
Some facts or proof are weak. Use real events or clear examples that are true.
improvement
Make your view clear at the start and keep to it. Add one or two main points with simple proof.
improvement
Link each part well. Use one main idea in each paragraph and start with a simple line to tell that idea.
idea
Clear view that both sides have a role.
content
Basic plan with two ideas and some link words.
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