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Band 5

YOUNG PEOPLE DO NOT SPEND THEIR HOLIDAY AND WEEKEND DOING OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES LIKE HIKING AND CLIMBING IN NATURAL ENVIRONMENT. WHY? AND HOW TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO GO OUT?

#people #holiday #weekend #activities #environment
Sports
 like hiking and climbing are some of the actions that will help people to stay fit and healthy. These days young individuals prefer spending most of their time with limited physical exercise and continue living a sedentary lifestyle that may lead to serious problems.
Spending their
Verb problem
Their
show examples
 leisure time must be spent wisely to live a healthy life.
This
 essay will explain why
this
 happens and what can be done to change it. The evolution of technology these days made a huge impact on society,particularly on children.
For instance
, gadgets are one of the main reasons why they do not have time to appreciate outdoor
sports
 like biking, and swimming. Most of them tend to isolate themselves because they are exposed to online gaming and browsing multiple applications like Facebook and Instagram installed on their mobile phones. Evidently, limited extracurricular movements will lead them to unhealthy lifestyles and may cause serious effects on their physical and mental health.
According to
 the latest study, obesity, diabetes, and coronary heart disease are the three major causes of being inactive. Parents should foster a healthy life for their children with discipline and support to encourage their children the importance of various
sports
 by giving motivation and being a role model for them.
Furthermore
, schools, communities and government institutions have a major role in the health of these young individuals. A regular schedule of physical education at school, and community projects like tree planting are some of the interesting campaigns for them to limit their idle way of living. In conclusion, young ones have limited activities
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
are not interested in different active
sports
 and
inappreciative
Add a missing verb
are inappreciative
show examples
 of nature
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may result in detrimental effects.
However
,
this
 can be resolved in ways
such
 as
parent
Replace the word
parental
show examples
 motivations, regular physical education, and community projects.
Submitted by josa1328 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing why young people do not engage in outdoor activities like hiking and climbing and provides suggestions to encourage them to do so. The points are well-developed and supported throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The ideas are presented in a logical order and are easy to follow. The transition between paragraphs is smooth, enhancing the coherence of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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