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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements which try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Parents often claim that these ads are unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #advertisements #children #snacks #toys #goods #parents #ads
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Although
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 it has been pointed out by some that the number of
commercials
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aiming
Wrong verb form
aimed
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 at young
children
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 has been increasing nowadays, which is beneficial to
children
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’s development, other people argue that it is unfair to tempt a child to purchase products by advertising. Personally, I completely agree with the latter idea as creating more and more
advertisements
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 to attract young individuals to buy items will bring a health problem. On the one hand, some individuals suggest increasing the number of
advertisements
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 targeting younger generations can widen their horizons.
This
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 is because those
commercials
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 are designed carefully by professional designers in order to promote goods whose ways of expression are unique and fascinating. Watching these
advertisements
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 is a great way for
children
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 to learn a wide range of means to present their ideas and feelings, which encourages them to think outside the box,
thus
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 cultivating creative thinking.
For example
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, in China, a primary school student who won the winner of a clothing design competition by creating a plastic dress told journalists that her idea came from a
Coco-Cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
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 commercial, which included a robot wearing a plastic coat.
On the other hand
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, other people, including me, opine that putting a significant majority of
commercials
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 that target
children
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 is harmful to their physical conditions. The reason is that those who are nearly ten years old are unable to distinguish between
commercials
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 and real products, as they have not become mature mentally and emotionally. If they watch a lot of
advertisements
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 presenting unhealthy food,
such
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 as chocolate and chips, which
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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 a high level of sugar and less nutrition, they are more likely to ask their parents to buy.
As a result
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, eating too many unhealthy snacks makes young
children
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 more likely to get several illnesses.
For instance
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, a vast proportion of parents who always are pestered to purchase snacks state that their sons or daughters are facing digestive issues as they are used to having more oily chips that are promoted on TV. In conclusion, people may vary in their opinion about whether it is fair to put an increasing percentage of
commercials
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 targeting young generations or not,
while
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 I am of the opinion that
this
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 is a dreadful situation as it is detrimental to a child’s physical well-being.
Submitted by strawberry.guan on

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly present the main ideas and arguments of the essay. Make sure to provide a strong thesis statement that clearly states your opinion on the topic.
task response
In task achievement, provide a more balanced discussion of both views and give more depth to the arguments. Develop your points with more explanation and examples to support your ideas effectively.
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