IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us . Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #happiness #factors #influence
Many people think that
every one
Replace the word
everyone
show examples
 should be responsible for their
happiness
 but others think external
factors
infulence
Correct your spelling
influence
 us as well. It is imperative to
be consider
Change the verb form
be considered
show examples
Correct your spelling
importance
improtance
Correct article usage
the improtance
show examples
 of both
sides
Change noun form
side's
sides'
show examples
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
. In my opinion, I prefer the external
factors
 decided the
happiness
 type we want. On the one hand,
happiness
 was hard to
difine
Correct your spelling
define
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
account of its feature.
However
, some basic needs like
safe
Add an article
a safe
show examples
 place, enough food and adequate money
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 be
satified
Correct your spelling
satisfied
 before we reach the ultimate
happiness
.
Thus
, the house size, the level of your dinner and the daily expense
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
depent
Correct your spelling
dependent
depend
spent
 on us.
This
 means how hard we perform in our position and repay the equal feedback.
Therefore
, according to the basic
difination
Correct your spelling
definition
, we should take responsibility to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
 the daily
aquirement
Correct your spelling
requirement
acquirement
.
On the other hand
, when we talk about
more
Add an article
the more
show examples
 advanced meaning of
happiness
. We need to talk about everyone's desire
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
happiness
. Some prefer
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success in their career, promotion in their job and more money from the work.
Nontheless
Correct your spelling
Nonetheless
, some people will rather choose health and time spending with family.
Hence
, when we focus the advanced
happiness
, we will meet the choice between two options.
For example
, if you want to make more money, you won't have enough time to accompany your family and you may miss the
timimg
Correct your spelling
timing
 of
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 growth. In a fact, many external
factors
 truly affect how we
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
. In conclusion, there is no right or wrong to argue which way is more superior.
Nevertheless
, I prefer to choose the health and time
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
 with family and both are decided by my will and the external
factors
 I option.
Correct your spelling
After all
show examples
Afterall
Correct your spelling
After all
show examples
, we all grow old, we will need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
support from the family.
Submitted by jerry.low.2000 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: