IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us . Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #happiness #factors #influence
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Many people think that
every one
Replace the word
everyone
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 should be responsible for their
happiness
 but others think external
factors
infulence
Correct your spelling
influence
 us as well. It is imperative to
be consider
Change the verb form
be considered
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Correct your spelling
importance
improtance
Correct article usage
the improtance
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 of both
sides
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side's
sides'
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opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
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. In my opinion, I prefer the external
factors
 decided the
happiness
 type we want. On the one hand,
happiness
 was hard to
difine
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define
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
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account of its feature.
However
, some basic needs like
safe
Add an article
a safe
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 place, enough food and adequate money
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 be
satified
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satisfied
 before we reach the ultimate
happiness
.
Thus
, the house size, the level of your dinner and the daily expense
are
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is
show examples
depent
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dependent
depend
spent
 on us.
This
 means how hard we perform in our position and repay the equal feedback.
Therefore
, according to the basic
difination
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definition
, we should take responsibility to
mantain
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maintain
 the daily
aquirement
Correct your spelling
requirement
acquirement
.
On the other hand
, when we talk about
more
Add an article
the more
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 advanced meaning of
happiness
. We need to talk about everyone's desire
about
Change preposition
for
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happiness
. Some prefer
the
Correct article usage
apply
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success in their career, promotion in their job and more money from the work.
Nontheless
Correct your spelling
Nonetheless
, some people will rather choose health and time spending with family.
Hence
, when we focus the advanced
happiness
, we will meet the choice between two options.
For example
, if you want to make more money, you won't have enough time to accompany your family and you may miss the
timimg
Correct your spelling
timing
 of
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 growth. In a fact, many external
factors
 truly affect how we
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
. In conclusion, there is no right or wrong to argue which way is more superior.
Nevertheless
, I prefer to choose the health and time
spending
Replace the word
spent
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 with family and both are decided by my will and the external
factors
 I option.
Correct your spelling
After all
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Afterall
Correct your spelling
After all
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, we all grow old, we will need
the
Correct article usage
apply
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support from the family.
Submitted by jerry.low.2000 on

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