IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measure could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measure
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The latest research declares that many chronic diseases
such
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 as diabetes and hypertension emerge because of
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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. Meanwhile, many countries face the fact that
a
Correct article usage
the
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 number of
people
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 who become obese increases significantly and it endangers their
health
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.
This
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 essay will discuss some of the reasons why these problems have arisen and I will
also
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 propose some solutions to solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. The raise average bodyweight of
people
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 in several countries these days happens due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of knowledge and
facilities
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.
Firstly
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, healthy eating behaviour focuses on balancing nutrients on our daily consumptions, and lack of knowledge will inhibit
people
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 to achieve that goal.
People
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 will eat detrimental foods without any concern
on
Change preposition
about
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high-calories
Correct your spelling
high calories
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 in
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 that will lead to weight gain.
Secondly
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, the absence of public
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sport
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sports
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facilities
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 will
also
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 affect
people
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’s
health
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 because there will be no room for improving
health
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 nearby. Despite the challenges, it is possible to resolve those problems by holding national campaigns conducted by
health
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 workers and government initiatives to improve the number of
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sport
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sports
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facilities
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.
Health
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 workers play an important role in encouraging society to plan their meals. By introducing
people
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 to dietary-reference intakes, they will be more aware
on
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of
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 balancing their proportion of daily consumption.
Next
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, one major benefit of the greater number of
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sport
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sports
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 amenities is that it forces
people
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 to do exercise.
For instance
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, if the government provides soccer
field
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fields
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 in every district, it will excite
people
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 to play football in order to lose weight. On the whole,
although
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 many countries are currently facing a worse condition of public
health
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,
such
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challenge
Correct article usage
a challenge
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 can be resolved by thorough planning. I would advise
health
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 workers to support the goal by actively spreading the information related to healthy food planning and government initiatives to provide more public
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by diestadhania on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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