IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, children are often told that can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#countries #children #message
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, In some states, many pupils have been told that the most effective approach to persuade them to achieve the aim is to try hard as much as possible
while
Linking Words
 some claim that trying hard on their duties can provide several disadvantages to them. personally, there are both pros and cons. On the one hand, there are various benefits
behind
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon in the developed world.
Firstly
Linking Words
, Trying hard on their duties and studies allows them to complete their goal easily and
also
Linking Words
 provides a large number of opportunities
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life in terms of schooling and outstanding professions, which lead to an effective lifestyle and a better quality of life.
For example
Linking Words
, Some students who work hard on either homework or studies had the opportunity to acquire the university's scholarships, leading to feeling a sense of
proudly
Replace the word
pride
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, Working hard on those built up strong positive characters like high self-esteem.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Putting a large quantity of pressure on children provides various disadvantages to those individuals, particularly mental health, leading to horrible mental illness and terrible behaviours.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Form
Verb problem
apply
show examples
some reports
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
 that children in Thailand who
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 always told to study hard
due to
Linking Words
 the Asian culture tended to suffer from depression and stress, which lead to suicide, more than pupils whose parents give priority to freedom.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Parents should
concern
Verb problem
be
show examples
 more
about
Correct word choice
concerned about
show examples
 that behaviour. In conclusion,
Although
Linking Words
 heavy studying leads learners to complete their goals easily, It
came
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 with negative outcomes
such
Linking Words
 as stress and depression.
Thus
Linking Words
. I personally believe that parents should not put much pressure on their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in order to prevent those outcomes.
Submitted by weipanalog on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth in discussing the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. To improve, provide more detailed examples and analysis of the pros and cons.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the flow of the essay. To improve, work on connecting sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: