IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people put their personal information online for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is positive or negative development?

#people #information #activities #networks #purposes #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Due to the prosperity of
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
, most
people
Use synonyms
 are able to spend more and more time on different Apps to socialize.
This
Linking Words
 mainstream of socializing has some advantages for
Use synonyms
people’s
Use synonyms
 life,
however
Linking Words
, the disadvantages should be concerned. Sharing
Use synonyms
people’s
Use synonyms
 privacy online offers some benefits for
Use synonyms
people’s
Use synonyms
 daily routine or raising funding activities. The obvious benefit is that it is a great way to make friends with common grounds.
For example
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 would like to show their personal
information
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the Netizens,
this
Linking Words
 could leave a clear impression for other strangers.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are able to make friends through different tags, like characteristics, hobbies, habits, personal experiences, events, schools etc.
Besides
Linking Words
, it helps
people
Use synonyms
 to gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
fame. By posting their interesting Vlogs or Blogs of daily life, many
people
Use synonyms
 are likely to follow their social media account, which allows them to be a KOL(Key Opinion Leader) and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
well-known
people
Use synonyms
 in some industries.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it’s beneficial for
people
Use synonyms
 to
raising
Wrong verb form
raise
show examples
 funding by providing personal
information
Use synonyms
. It is a popular way to organize a charity activity through the Internet by individuals nowadays, without the details about the charity and the basic background of
organizer
Add an article
the organizer
an organizer
show examples
, it would not be able to gain the support from
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public.
However
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks while it brings us these benefits.
Firstly
Linking Words
, privacy leaking can cause great negative effects on
Use synonyms
people’s
Use synonyms
 daily life.
For example
Linking Words
, some hackers are active in the cyber community to build social engineering
database
Fix the agreement mistake
databases
show examples
 to collect personal
information
Use synonyms
 and create relations through different dimensions, like ID number, photo, address, phone number, email, shopping history, social account, bank account and etc.
This
Linking Words
 means that if they obtained
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 and build a network through pieces, we were probably transparent in front of them.
In addition
Linking Words
, easy access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
other’s
Fix the agreement mistake
others’
show examples
 privacy may not suitable for some
people
Use synonyms
, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers, since it may
threat
Replace the word
threaten
show examples
teenagers
Change noun form
teenagers'
teenager's
show examples
 mental health when they have easy access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private pictures and videos which contain violent, porn or illegal factors.
Moreover
Linking Words
, teenagers who are exposed to the public Internet may
under
Add a missing verb
be under
show examples
 uncertain threat which leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 heavy burden for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public security. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 watching
other’s
Fix the agreement mistake
others’
show examples
 daily routine or personal
information
Use synonyms
 offers
people
Use synonyms
 several benefits, I agree with the view that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Submitted by chefuyin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • cybercrimes
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • enhanced social connectivity
  • dependence on technology
  • customised services
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • social networks
  • personal information
  • online platforms
What to do next:
Look at other essays: