IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people put their personal information online for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is positive or negative development?

#people #information #activities #networks #purposes #development
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Due to the prosperity of
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
, most
people
 are able to spend more and more time on different Apps to socialize.
This
 mainstream of socializing has some advantages for
people’s
 life,
however
, the disadvantages should be concerned. Sharing
people’s
 privacy online offers some benefits for
people’s
 daily routine or raising funding activities. The obvious benefit is that it is a great way to make friends with common grounds.
For example
, if
people
 would like to show their personal
information
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the Netizens,
this
 could leave a clear impression for other strangers.
As a result
,
people
 are able to make friends through different tags, like characteristics, hobbies, habits, personal experiences, events, schools etc.
Besides
, it helps
people
 to gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
fame. By posting their interesting Vlogs or Blogs of daily life, many
people
 are likely to follow their social media account, which allows them to be a KOL(Key Opinion Leader) and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
well-known
people
 in some industries.
Moreover
, it’s beneficial for
people
 to
raising
Wrong verb form
raise
show examples
 funding by providing personal
information
. It is a popular way to organize a charity activity through the Internet by individuals nowadays, without the details about the charity and the basic background of
organizer
Add an article
the organizer
an organizer
show examples
, it would not be able to gain the support from
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public.
However
, there are some drawbacks while it brings us these benefits.
Firstly
, privacy leaking can cause great negative effects on
people’s
 daily life.
For example
, some hackers are active in the cyber community to build social engineering
database
Fix the agreement mistake
databases
show examples
 to collect personal
information
 and create relations through different dimensions, like ID number, photo, address, phone number, email, shopping history, social account, bank account and etc.
This
 means that if they obtained
this
information
 and build a network through pieces, we were probably transparent in front of them.
In addition
, easy access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
other’s
Fix the agreement mistake
others’
show examples
 privacy may not suitable for some
people
, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers, since it may
threat
Replace the word
threaten
show examples
teenagers
Change noun form
teenagers'
teenager's
show examples
 mental health when they have easy access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private pictures and videos which contain violent, porn or illegal factors.
Moreover
, teenagers who are exposed to the public Internet may
under
Add a missing verb
be under
show examples
 uncertain threat which leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 heavy burden for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public security. In conclusion,
although
 watching
other’s
Fix the agreement mistake
others’
show examples
 daily routine or personal
information
 offers
people
 several benefits, I agree with the view that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Submitted by chefuyin on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • cybercrimes
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • enhanced social connectivity
  • dependence on technology
  • customised services
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • social networks
  • personal information
  • online platforms
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