IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer

#people #government #care #support #years #fund #retirement
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Some schools of thought have argued that the governing body should fend for the aged population who had served the nation in their capacity when they were young and active, while others believe that these retirees should have prepared for their retirement by building up savings during their
service
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay
agree
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agrees
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 with the former view, that the old retired citizens should
Correct your spelling
be
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by
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be
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 supported financially by the
government
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 rather than being left to rely on their savings when they are no longer in
service
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. The essay will argue that these aged and dependent
population
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populations
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 are less active to take care of themselves
,
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apply
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 and that they are entitled to
being
Change the verb
be
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 rewarded by the system
which
Change preposition
to which
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 they had actively contributed. It will
also
Linking Words
 argue that social welfare
package
Fix the agreement mistake
packages
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, like financial support when given to them, will make them have a sense of belonging. To start with, these individuals who had served the system in their active
years
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 are justified to be rewarded by giving them financial support at the time they are retrenched from duties.
This
Linking Words
 is because, at
this
Linking Words
 period of their lifetimes, they are unable to work rigorously or actively like before, and as
such
Linking Words
 may not be able to cater for their needs any longer.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is just a matter of fairness on the part of the
government
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, to compensate them, by giving them financial
aids
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aid
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; a form of social welfare package, to enable them
have
Add the particle
to have
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 quality lives.
For example
Linking Words
, by the time they retired, their income source drop dramatically, and some of them may have mounting mountains of challenges to cater for.
Thus
Linking Words
, if they are not
giving
Wrong verb form
given
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 assistance, they may become impoverished.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, when the
government
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 gives them necessary support financially, they will not feel neglected or abandoned. By
this
Linking Words
 means, they are able to develop
sense
Add an article
a sense
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 of belonging.
For instance
Linking Words
, a growing body of knowledge has shown that at
this
Linking Words
 stage of life, when they retire from active
service
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, many of them succumb to psychological depression and
this
Linking Words
 can impair the quality of their lives significantly.
Thus
Linking Words
, assisting them financially only help to improve their psychological well-being.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 encouraging them to save actively during the
service
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
, help them to develop the culture of saving for the rainy days, they should not be left entirely dependent on these meagre savings for survival at
this
Linking Words
 stage of life. To conclude, I believe it is morally justified, if
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 plan for these special group of people in their welfare package, as they had actively contributed to the societal development in their working
years
Use synonyms
.
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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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