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Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar
Nowadays, we cannot deny that the vast majority of
people
 tend to consume more and more
sugar
 on a daily basis.
Moreover
, a lot of manufacturers
also
 produce food and drink
products
 that contain high levels of
sugar
. Some
people
 suggest that the best way to reduce the number of
people
 who love sweets is to make sugary
products
 more expensive. From my point of view, I do not agree that sugary
products
 should be made more expensive to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
.
This
 is not the best solution to solve
this
 problem because it will not fix the root of the problem.
Because not
Correct word choice
Not
show examples
 only can
sugar
 cause a disease, but unhealthy food and snacks can
also
 be reasons for having an unhealthy body
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
For instance
, if I have to pay more for sugary
products
, I will choose to buy hamburgers and pizza
instead
.
Therefore
, the result will be the same but with only a different type of disease.
In addition
, there are more smart ways to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
, and it would be easier if the government took serious action on
this
 problem. The government is a crucial part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 urging
people
 to be more concerned about their health behaviours.The government should provide information for everybody to raise their awareness and acknowledge sugary
products
 via
brochure
Fix the agreement mistake
brochures
show examples
 or television.
To conclude
 everything that has been started so far, I believe that there are many ways to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
 rather than making sugary
products
 more expensive. If
people
 get to know about the negative effects of eating too many sweets, they will change their eating habits and become healthier at the same time. And
also
, they can save their money to spend on other things in their life.
Submitted by pattyzz1357 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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