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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that parents have a great influence on their children. Others believe that the media is a bigger influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Children
Use synonyms
 are heavily influenced by various things they are exposed to. It is opined by some that
parents
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 have a major
influence
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 on any
child
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's mind.
Whereas
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, others believe that sources
such
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 as the television and the internet have a greater impact on the young brain of a kid. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both these views and
then
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 explain why I think that
parents
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 have a greater
influence
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 on
children
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.
To begin
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 with, some people say that
children
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 are inclined more to follow and listen to their
parents
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 as they spent the majority of their childhood in their presence. They will mimic what their
parents
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 do and develop an understanding of the world through their
parents
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.
For example
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, a
child
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 learns important core values
such
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 as honesty and kindness for the first time only through his or her caregivers.
Moreover
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, if the
parents
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 are not attentive enough
then
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 the
child
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 might grow up and face problems making friends or even in their relationships.
Conversely
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, others believe that nowadays media
influence
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 has a greater impact on a
child
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's mind.
This
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 is
due to
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 the huge availability and exposure of media to the kids through the internet and television. It has become
common
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a common
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 sight
where
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that
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 some
children
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 will eat their food only with an iPad in their hands.
Additionally
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, a developing brain
such
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 that of a
child
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 is easily influenced by whatever he or she sees or reads.
For instance
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, many
school
Correct your spelling
schoolchildren
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children
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 are impressed by internet influencers and try to repeat the same things they do and sometimes end up hurting themselves. In conclusion, I believe both
parents
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 and
media
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the media
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 have an impact on young minds. On balance,
however
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, I feel that
parents
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 have a greater
influence
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 and responsibility on their
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 as
children
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 believe their
parents
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 first and spend most of their time with them.

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coherence cohesion
For even higher coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking devices and transition phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
task achievement
To further enhance task achievement, include more specific examples or case studies to strengthen the arguments and illustrate points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with explanations and connected back to the thesis statement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • mimic behavior
  • worldviews
  • moral frameworks
  • exposure
  • social interactions
  • educational pursuits
  • social skills
  • emotional intelligence
  • pervasive influence
  • digital technology
  • perceptions
  • attitudes
  • behaviors
  • information dissemination
  • diverse perspectives
  • cultures
  • broader understanding
  • peer influence
  • trends
  • social media platforms
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