IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Nowadays, it is obvious that some countries have a small number of older
people
 when
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
compared to the population of young
people
. As nothing is perfect in
this
 world,
this
 phenomenon has both merits and demerits. In
this
 essay, both the pros and cons will be mentioned following by the conclusion.
First
 of all, the more young adults, the more development for the country. Since adults are very active, fresh, healthy, creative and
intelligence
Replace the word
intelligent
show examples
, they are more likely to create a better world with advanced technology.
In addition
, they could
also
 solve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
 problems
such
 as ozone warming with modern solutions. What is more,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
advanturous
Correct your spelling
adventurous
 and they are not afraid of taking
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
unlike
Add the comma(s)
,unlike
show examples
 the older generation. They made a lot of risky
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and work hard until they get
achievement
Add an article
the achievement
show examples
. There is no doubt that the youth have the energy to do great things for the development of their countries.
On the other hand
, it has some drawbacks.
Although
 the younger adults have courage and a lot of skills, they still need to take some ideas from the older
people
. They cannot compete with old
people
 in
exprience
Correct your spelling
experience
. Sometimes, teenagers are very rebellious and they need someone to control them. Older
people
also
 take part in the development of the country. All things considered, the bright side of the situation outweigh the disadvantages.
Hence
, it is very important for children to grow up in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right way.
Submitted by tthoon21 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: