IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crime #teenagers #video #games
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It is often argued by some that playing aggressive video games
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 been causing more offence by young people in modern society. From my point of view, I partly agree with
this
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 opinion since apart from brutal plays, other factors could lead to the intense behaviour of young folks. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elaborate more on
this
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 in detail. On the one hand, playing video games that
involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
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 intense actions have negative impacts on large numbers of teenagers' behaviours.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they are easily influenced and get the wrong idea of attacking people and think it is okay to be violent.
For example
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, many young folks imitate the way of violent characters in games as if it is cool.
According to
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 some research, people who have seen violent actions for a certain amount of time showed 70% more aggressive actions and facial expressions.
On the other hand
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, there are other factors involved in the increased rate of juvenile wrongdoing apart from online
playings
Fix the agreement mistake
playing
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. To illustrate
this
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, some juveniles commit crimes because of
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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academic problems or conflicts with their parents. Some research shows that the percentage of committing a crime
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
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 to be 60% higher when teenagers are facing some kind of difficulties in life compared to those who have no problems in the academic field or in a family.
For instance
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, there was a male student who attacked an elder citizen in February 2022, and he was suffering from
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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educational difficulties.
To conclude
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,
although
Linking Words
 aggressive online activities have a negative impact on
great
Correct article usage
a great
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numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of juveniles, it is not the only reason causing youngsters' crimes. Other factors that are surrounded by them are
also
Linking Words
 undeniable.
Submitted by yyurienn on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks depth in presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. Make sure to provide a more balanced and detailed analysis to fully respond to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the coherence between ideas could be improved by better linking sentences and paragraphs.
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