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Band 5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sporfs to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #sporfs #children
There is no doubt that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
charity works and improving the attention of
students
 about volunteering acts are crucial for
create
Change the verb form
creating
show examples
 sound relations between young and old people.
Although
schools
 learn
students
 many valuable values, I think it would be more practical to focus on theoretical
courses
 rather than any other suggestions. In
this
 essay, I will delineate
this
 notion and
then
 come up with an opinion.
The charity
Correct article usage
Charity
show examples
 works generally inculcate many precious values in children, but these good volunteering acts should not be as mandatory
courses
 in
schools
. In order to increase the awareness of
students
 about these issues, the volunteer itself should be based on an individual selection. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, if you force
students
 to do some
fairness
Replace the word
fair
show examples
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, they will likely hate what they are obliged to do.
Furthermore
, educational systems
mainly
Add a missing verb
are mainly
show examples
 based on learning theories more than applied acts, so
this
 could interfere, and could
also
 lead to mess up these systems.
Besides
, there are many
courses
 that
overwhelming
Wrong verb form
overwhelm
show examples
students
, to some extent, especially
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are in the adolescence stage. In my viewpoint, parents should teach offspring how to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
. The relationships between teens and parents when they attend high
schools
 become more close because of their additional problems, and to resist their distraction from studying overall. In conclusion, though
schools
 play a major role in learning, and they tackle many problems, which relate to
students
, I wholeheartedly believe that
students
 should be guided towards making different activities for the benefit of local societies during holidays only.
This
 can help young
students
 to pay attention more and more to their
courses
 requirements.
Submitted by xx on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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