IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In countries that have already achieved affluence, any additional wealth would not make people happier. Do you agree or disagree

#countries #affluence #wealth #people
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In the modern world, it is often thought that
money
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 is key to
happiness
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 since many people are in rush to create higher income. I agree with the notion that more
money
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 for the wealthy may not necessarily bring more
happiness
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 and I will discuss
Linking Words
further
Correct pronoun usage
this further
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 in the essay. It
is commonly believe
Change the verb form
is commonly believed
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 that adding more
wealth
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 to an existing prosperous background would bring more stability and
happiness
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.
However
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, in my
opinion
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,opinion
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 having
wealth
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 is a stepping stone in searching for
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 meaningful purpose in
life
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. The rich and famous are known to
be involve
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be involved
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 in charitable projects and volunteer works and
this
Linking Words
 is evident in the case of Bill Gates, one of the wealthiest
man
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men
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 in the world who has
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pledged
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pledge
Correct your spelling
pledged
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 the majority of his
wealth
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 for philanthropy
cause
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causes
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.
This
Linking Words
 shows that the rich may not need more cash to make
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 happier. It is obvious that there are more precious things in
life
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 than
money
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which
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 benefits the wealthy, namely health and wellbeing. It is rather important to have a healthy lifestyle that leads to
Add an article
the wellbeing
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wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
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 of the wealthy.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2021 the richest countries in the world
such
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 as China, Qatar and Singapore do not have the highest
Happiness
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 Index.
Linking Words
Instead
Add a comma
,Instead
show examples
 countries with
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
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happiness
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 index are Finland, Norway and Switzerland.
This
Linking Words
 goes to prove that more
money
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 may not translate to
happiness
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.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 I cannot deny the fact that
wealth
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 brings plenty of improvements in many aspects of
life
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,
such
Linking Words
 as better healthcare and education.
Therefore
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
 case having more cash would bring
plethora
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a plethora
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 of options in the affluent in terms of opportunities for better knowledge and treatment options.
For instance
Linking Words
 in
treatment
Add an article
the treatment
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 of cancer, those with higher income may be able to opt for the latest chemotherapy regimes that may not be easily available if one has no allocation for it. In conclusion, there is no doubt that
money
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 can buy plenty of things in
life
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.
However
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, I believe there are more things in
life
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 that the wealthy needs other than what cash can provide. I agree that
money
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 would not make the affluent happier.
Submitted by Jane on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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