IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some think that governments should tax unhealthy foods to encourage people to eat healthier. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is obvious that food is paramount for
people
Use synonyms
 in their daily lives.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 believe that food
that is
Linking Words
 harmful to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 should be taxed by the government to make
people
Use synonyms
 eat healthy food.
Although
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 charging
unhealthy
Change preposition
for unhealthy
show examples
foods
Use synonyms
 is a good way of encouragement, I believe that they should
also
Linking Words
 be aware of
foods
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 that are detrimental to their
health
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 eating unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
 in daily life
makes
Verb problem
causes
show examples
 consumers a lot of
health
Use synonyms
 problems. Junk
foods
Use synonyms
 taxed by governments are effective in encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to consume nutritiously.
For example
Linking Words
, if fast
foods
Use synonyms
 are expensive because of
taxed
Replace the word
tax
show examples
 fees and organic
foods
Use synonyms
 are not expensive
then
Linking Words
 consumers will buy cheaper ones as they are used to checking the prices before they buy any
Use synonyms
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, taxing
foods
Use synonyms
 that are not good for
health
Use synonyms
 is stimulating
people
Use synonyms
 to eat healthier
foods
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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,
enlightening
Wrong verb form
enlightens
show examples
 the users to be self-awareness about the
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 of non-nutritious
foods
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 and in order to avoid eating those
foods
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 might realize that
foods
Use synonyms
 are harmful even can cause diseases
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they may continue to eat because of a lack of self-awareness.
For instance
Linking Words
, smokers know that smoking is not good for their
health
Use synonyms
 but most of them are still smoking. So, to improve self-consciousness,
people
Use synonyms
 were enlightened regularly and
this
Linking Words
make
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 them avoid those unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
however
Linking Words
, governments should tax
foods
Use synonyms
 that are unhealthy so that the public to eat healthier, I assert that self-awareness is important as well for them.

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task achievement
Clarify your position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph clearly links to the overall argument you are making.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, rather than general statements that could use further explanation.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents a clear argument, discussing both sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Some effective phrasing and vocabulary choices demonstrate a good level of English proficiency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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