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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think parents should supervise their children's activities closely, while others believe children should have more freedom. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

While
Linking Words
 it is commonly thought
Use synonyms
parents
Correct word choice
that parents
show examples
 should supervise their
children
Use synonyms
’s
activities
Use synonyms
, others believe
children
Use synonyms
 should have more
freedom
Use synonyms
. I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion,
parents
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 should let them
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more
freedom
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, it is argued that
parents
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 should supervise their
children
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’s
activities
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. The main reason is that the
children
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, nowadays, can access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
knowledge or anything in the world with
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
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 and
also
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 some bad things. The
children
Use synonyms
 aren’t mature enough to know
what
Verb problem
what's
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 good or bad for them. Constant guidance helps
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
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 them from engaging in harmful
behaviors
Use the right word
behaviours
show examples
,
such
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 as excessive screen time, substance abuse or associating with negative influences. Another reason
that
Verb problem
is that
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, by overseeing academic and extracurricular
activities
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 can ensure their
children
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 stay focused and achieve their goals.
For instance
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, many high-achieving students confirm that
thank
Correct subject-verb agreement
thanks
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
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 their
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parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 involvement, they can succeed.
On the other hand
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, others claim that giving them more
freedom
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.
Firstly
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, it encourages their responsibilities and self-confidence. When
children
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 are allowed to make decisions, they can learn from their mistakes and develop
solve-problem
Correct word choice
problem-solving
show examples
 skills.
For example
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, allowing the child to manage their study schedule may help them know the importance of time management.
Secondly
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, being too
control
Replace the word
controlling
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 can destroy the relationship between kids and
parents
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, leading to rebellion or lack of trust. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that
parents
Use synonyms
 should supervise their
children
Use synonyms
’s
activities
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,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 meanwhile, others assume that
children
Use synonyms
 should have more
freedom
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. Personally, I tend to believe that giving kids more
freedom
Use synonyms
 can do more good than harm.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction should clearly state both views in one sentence, then express your opinion. This will help in structuring your essay better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to separate your main ideas into clear paragraphs, and explain each point in detail.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more linking words (like 'however', 'for example', 'firstly') to connect your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Your examples can be stronger. Try to use more real-life examples to support your points better.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are fully developed and explained. Sometimes your sentences feel a bit rushed with incomplete thoughts.
task achievement
You have clearly expressed your opinion at the end, which is good.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument, showing awareness of different perspectives.
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