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Band 5.5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
The rising prevalence of childhood
obesity
 and related health issues attracted polarized debate on possible interventions. Arguably, tackling
this
 multi-faced debate is complicated, and some
people
 turn to the
government
 as a significant liability
while
 others point
finger
Fix the agreement mistake
fingers
show examples
 at all other sectors in society. I completely agree with the statement that the
government
 is mainly obliged to reduce
obesity
 since it’s their role to bring up healthy citizens, and it’s proven to be most effective. In the first place, the primary role of
government
 is to raise healthy children who are
hopes
Replace the word
hopeful
show examples
 of tomorrow. It is their job to safeguard public welfare. Just like the empowering ideal made by Abraham Lincoln that
“
Correct article usage
the “government
show examples
government
 of the
people
, by the
people
, for the
people
” shall do what’s best for its
people
. A good example in point is the French
government
 which achieved the lowest
obesity
 rates of childhood
obesity
 among
development
Replace the word
developed
show examples
 countries. It not only passed down strict policies for school canteens to follow but
also
 promoted
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 food culture for children to “eat the rainbow”.
Additionally
, a top-down governmental approach, delivered at a macro-scale, is most effective at changing public health outcomes. Only a holistic, broad and systematic method can successfully reverse the
obesity
 crisis.
In other words
, the education sector, the food and beverage industry, and the communities cannot intervene without help from the
government
. There is robust evidence from
from
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
world research
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 suggesting that governmental policies and population-based
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 produce long-term positive changes. Take China’s Double-Reduction policy
for example
.
This
 new education policy called for alleviating students’ burden and was proved to be an aggressive move. Now, an increasing number of parents encourage their children to practice sports after school
instead
 of doing homework. In conclusion, the
government
 should be held accountable for preventing
obesity
. As a protagonist in addressing children’s weight problems, it has incomparable force in applying official interventions.
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task response
In your essay, you have provided a clear and comprehensive response to the given topic. Your ideas are well-developed and relevant to the question. However, ensure that you fully address the specific points raised in the prompt, and consider presenting a balanced argument to make your response more nuanced and persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good logical structure, with a clear introduction and conclusion. You have effectively supported your main points with relevant examples. To further improve, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas throughout the essay and enhance overall coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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