IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Major companies use sports events to promote their product. Some people think it has a negative impact on sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an increasing number of advertisements during athletic competitions. Leading companies sponsor professional
sports
Use synonyms
 games
for advertising
Change preposition
to advertise
show examples
 their products, but
according to
Linking Words
 a section of people, it negatively impacted play. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as there are some explicit benefits of
sports
Use synonyms
 marketing in spite of its adverse effects
To begin
Linking Words
 with, monetary gains from advertisements are an obvious advantage. Striking incomes are earned by the promotion of a product during matches, can foster the growth of athletics and can financially support sportsmen.
In other words
Linking Words
, it is an ideal way to grab financial assistance from the private
section
Correct your spelling
sector
show examples
 which would,
otherwise
Linking Words
, have been impossible.
For example
Linking Words
, during the Seoul Olympic Games, Coca-Cola offered an astonishing amount of $22 million just to display the Olympic symbol on its brand. Definitely,
this
Linking Words
 money can be utilized for the
further
Linking Words
 betterment of
such
Linking Words
 events or even cover some expenditures.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there is no doubt that the monetization of
sports
Use synonyms
 can cause serious aftermaths. To illustrate, the famous brands that sponsor or pay the athletes, usually make sportsmen distracted from their games.
For instance
Linking Words
, the bigger the amount of sponsorship, the more the players feel under pressure to win and,
moreover
Linking Words
, are placing sponsors' expectations higher.
Thus
Linking Words
, the focus of players diverts from dedicated playing towards financial gains which disturbs the purity of participating in athletics. In conclusion, the promotion of purchases has become a trend to have a substantial amount of money from athletic events. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement that
sports
Use synonyms
 marketing is likely to continue advertising campaigns but to avoid unfavourable outcomes of promotional events, the players must be taught to play indifferently to give optimum performance.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents your argument, but it could be clearer with a more defined thesis statement that explicitly states your position.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay has a logical flow, consider using more varied transition phrases to enhance the connections between your ideas.
task achievement
In addition to examples, including more evidence or statistics could strengthen your points and provide a more rounded argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the Coca-Cola sponsorship during the Seoul Olympic Games, which effectively supports your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids the reader in following your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • commercialization
  • sponsorship
  • branding
  • athlete
  • performance
  • sportsmanship
  • funding
  • facilities
  • accessibility
  • divide
  • exposure
  • global audience
  • popularity
  • neglect
  • hike
  • entertainment
  • event
  • corporation
  • profitability
  • culture
  • representation
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